Green eyed monster

I must overcome this jealousy. I must.

Two plus two

I was always hiding a part of myself from every other man. Anything I didn't want him to see- my drinking, my swearing, my overly type A tendencies- I would push away. I would put on a nice face and not say fuck and be on my best behavior.

The Boyfriend is the one man with whom I never did that. I probably should have put two and two together some time ago.

He said, she said

He said, "I know we're just friends but I can't help but think about you right now."

I haven't said anything.

I can't say anything. I should say something. Some way to shrug it off, smooth the rough edges.

This is it

Confession: I don't have any money. No one is interested in me for my money. So when I get sick, I'm screwed.

I got sick.

The Boyfriend and I waited. Waited. Waited until we weren't seeing straight. Waited until we each separately annoyed the nurse on duty. Waited.

I finally got seen by a real, live doctor eleven hours after I arrived at the clinic. (If I ever become a politician, my most harped upon platform will likely be healthcare, in case you were wondering.) I talked to the doctor, he left. An hour later, he came back. An hour later, another doctor came. The Boyfriend and I were exhausted. We began taking tiny, fitful naps on the gurney that was set up in the room. Crammed next to each other, touching pinkies, drifting in and out of sleep, it felt like the best moment of my life. (The pinkies, not the circumstances.)

I'm fine for all concerned parties. Just another of the details that make this love thing worthwhile. Another anecdote to describe the parts of it, another way of me saying this is it without me saying it. This is it.

Exhausted all possibilities

(Its that I don't believe any relationship will succeed, that I think someone will always cheat, that I think someone will always get tired of trying.)

Unbearable

He's gone. And I'm unsure what to do with myself. We've fallen into this so hard that my thoughts are not only consumed by him, but they may no longer be separate. I don't mean to sound fatalistic. Words don't work the way they used to.

I can't pull myself away from him in the morning. I cross the room just to touch his arm. I think about my life, my future, in regards to him. So he has left on a short holiday. He'll be back in just a couple days.

But I can't shake this, this worry about how I will get to sleep without him. Its unbearable, new love. I cannot be trusted.

Green with envy

I can't help it. I don't want to be the jealous type. I never thought of myself much as 'the jealous type.' But I think I always knew there was something to being single, something that made me feel unique, that made me feel different and special. I think its an attraction thing. I'm inappropriately tied to my need to feel attractive, to be found attractive, and waking up next to someone on a daily basis squelches that.

Call me vain. I don't care.

I do care. I do. I don't want to feel this way. This jealousy that I have with The Boyfriend: it was news to me when I realized: its not him, its me. My own issues are rearing their ugly heads in this relationship, and I can't blame it on anyone but me. Its finally not the wrong man, its not the wrong circumstances, its just my unhinged melodrama. Pardon me.

The Marriage Quotient, Part I

The part of me that doesn't want to get married (and maybe it's the naïve part, maybe it's the part that just doesn't get "adult relationships") is the part that doesn't want to hate the man I'm supposed to like. Love is one thing, but, again, I don't think it's a lasting formula for a relationship. I think love only goes so far. I may love him in five years, but will I be in love with him? Will I even like him anymore? Will my life become a series of motions and will I settle?