Peanut butter cup apologies

We're not speaking.

You know how hard it is to not speak to someone you share a bedroom with?

Yeah.

I found this on my computer after he left for work. A Reese's cup as a peace offering?

So he still loves me.

Well. He still needs to apologize.

Strange love

Has anyone watched The New Girl? I am that girl.

(Except not so over the top. Can I get a show of hands as to who thinks her character is just a little too much?)

I'm spunky. I'm weird.

And I think I'm translating that into being something that I'm not with The Boyfriend. I was always spunky and strange when we were friends, but now that we're together, I want to be some sort of sex kitten all of the time.

I'm not a sex kitten.

But I keep acting like I should be. But. I'm not.

Sure trumps Folgers

Waking up next to him never gets old.

Handsy

It's getting a little out of hand.

Weird

I think I'm just making it all up in my head. Or feeling flattered.

Why must I be such an attention whore?

I'm hanging out with The Roommate more and more, and it all seems perfectly normal. He doesn't come on to me, we don't talk about too much in particular - the conversation seems to flow around movies we're watching or music we like. Like we're friends. We act like friends. We do things that friends do.

But more than one person has said something to me. Has said, Hey, is he into you?

He doesn't act like it while we're hanging around our house eating cold pizza and doing nothing in particular. So then I just get paranoid and want to make sure I'm not doing anything untoward. I'm not up to no good. I have the best intentions. I do. I do.

But I'm aware. I wish I could stop thinking about it. Worrying that I'm accidentally sending some sort of signal when before I wouldn't have thought twice about sending him a weird link to something weird we talked about the other day. Now I feel weird.

It's getting weird.

Daydrinking + trust issues

It's late.

I came home late from a [girl] friend's house.

I still have to make a point to mention that. No, I'm not with Some Boy. I'm not with Any Boy. I'm not Going Behind Your Back. I've been on my Best Behavior. I leave my Facebook open on my computer, my g-mail open, my phone in his sight while I wander off to do what I do. I come home right after work. I text him what I'm doing. Because he doesn't trust me. I know this. We've had a rocky year, we had a rocky two [friendship. Not friendship. Friendship. Not dating. Friendship.] years before that. We don't trust each other.

I mean, it's my perspective. This is my blog. My words. You don't get to hear his side. He has a side. But I keep thinking, I will leave him.

I am drinking whiskey neat and shouldn't be telling anyone this but all I can think is I will cheat on him. I will sabotage this.

I am vindictive. And my level of openness does not coincide with his. He is not open.

But then I think it's me.

And then I think It's just not meant to be.

And then but we're perfect for each other.

We both love daydrinking.

We have amazing chemistry (No. Seriously.).

I've never been as much myself around anyone as him.

But when I really think about it, I think both of us need to grow up. He needs to decide to come home at a decent hour, I need to decide to feel secure in myself, in our relationship, and like he won't leave me at any possible moment. Because all I ever think is he will leave.

But then I think he needs to be more open.

It's my perspective. I can't make heads or tails of this. But I'm starting to feel more and more like The Roommate is more interested in my point of view than The Boyfriend. Which is not a recipe for success.

I don't want to be vindictive. I just want to fall asleep watching a movie at night next to The Boyfriend. I don't want to wonder if he will come home or not. I don't want to wake at 6am and realize he isn't here. I don't want to blog to the world all my selfish problems.

Flighty

I thought exercise would clear my head. I told myself I would feel better. I do my best thinking while running. I think more clearly.

I was almost done with my run, stopped on a Chicago street corner, waiting for the walk signal, and all I could think was, I don't trust my boyfriend. I think he is a liar.

I kept running. I thought maybe I could run that idea off, think it through, get to the crux of it.

I think that is the crux of it.