There are too many words to say all that I want to say.
I've been making a conscious effort to stay far from The Ex.
The Coworker and I are okay. He said he finds me very attractive but doesn't want a relationship, and while it wasn't the best news, it at least shed light on the situation. So now we go about our work and we're fine even if I am secretly a little sad about it all.
The New Guy from Chicago who I dated briefly early this year because he now lives close to me in the deep south, what moniker did we decide on? He came to town a few days ago and I met him to see some of his friends play and then he told me, "Maybe I shouldn't tell you I came here to see you and not them," and kissed me and I let him, if only to feel like I was someone's for a bit, to feel like I was back at the beginning of Chicago and things didn't feel so complicated. Now I don't really feel much for him and I don't know how to say it.
I joined an online dating website on a lark. I secretly love the ego boost of it but don't think I'm actually going to find anyone on it. It all feels too fake, too orchestrated, and suddenly all I want is to see someone and get a feeling about him, because I'm not good at pretending.
Through this online forum The Dane found me and made a joke about it. So I spent some time thinking about it and last week I decided to tell him that I thought the universe was telling us something and that maybe we should give it a shot. To which he said he isn't "boyfriend material" and I nearly cried. We are still friends. But now some part of me isn't the same.
And the truth is: I'm really, really lonely. I want to go it alone and have adventures but I mostly feel alone.
