Maybe it's my imagination

I haven't seen much of him. I'm trying to busy myself so I don't have to think that it's really not working, that I never thought we couldn't work, that we aren't working. That we may not make it. We may not make it.

I can't allow myself to think it. I can't imagine us not making it.

But maybe it's just me being set in my ways and too scared to let him go when I know that he's hurting me, that I'm hurting him, that we're turning on each other, that maybe we're both busying ourselves so that we don't have to watch it crumble.

It's only been three years of this. Of us doing this dance. I keep hoping maybe this is just a phase. Maybe it will work out. But maybe it won't.

Turn on

I'm turning on him.

Apathy and other holiday woes

It's hard to say that we're slowing breaking up. Slowly not getting along. Slowly.

I asked him to leave.

He's still here. Fixing things around the house. Pressed against me as I sleep.

Me, with a glass of red in hand, wandering between rooms, baking cookies because it's fall, it's Thanksgiving, we have to wait until Thanksgiving is over, then he will leave.

It's not official. We haven't officially decided to break up. I don't want to break up. I don't think he does either. But I don't really know, now do I?

He keeps staying out until dawn. Not telling me what's going on. Shutting himself off from me. Hurting me in ways I didn't know possible. He's pushed me to the edge and I've had enough. I told him to go. He wants to stay gone all the time, then go.

I can't decide if this is the end or just the beginning of the end.

He totally gets me

He left for work. A few minutes later he came back just to drop off

Yoo-hoo. He hates Yoo-hoo.

He totally gets me.

Barely bearable

It feels too personal to say. To write. It was all fun and games when I just moved on to another in a series of expendable men. But this time it's him, the one who I thought was The One. I feel stupid for thinking that now. For having thought that.

I can't bear to imagine life without him but more and more I can't bear how badly I feel about it all.