Thursday, September 5, 2013

To make a move or not

This crush is crushing me. I haven't felt this way since approximately seventh grade. This paralyzing, crushing desire coupled with the real threat of rejection. I'm not sure my next move.

Sure, I could let it pass, give myself a few days, a week, and I'll return to more rational thought, but where's the thrill in that? I don't want to throw caution to the wind and make a fool of myself, but I do want to throw caution to the wind and find something good.

But honestly, I don't know a thing about this man, despite co-teaching occasionally and interacting from time to time. Despite fervent Google searches, I cannot turn up any dirt. He could be relationshipped. He could be uninterested in me in general. He is soft-spoken around me and I am shy and smiling, upon seeing him two days ago I couldn't think of much to say over the sound of my heart beating so loudly he surely heard it. Can this sort of thing be one-sided? Can I feel so strongly and he feel indifference?

I am a grown woman who found herself last night parsing the few texts we've exchanged - all teaching related - and became exultant after realizing he spelled my name correctly - no one spells my name correctly. I can't help but think I have to do something, because otherwise I will keep building this up in my head when it could be nothing. I have already put him on a pedestal, so now I need to get rejected or get to know him and make an informed choice. But if I get rejected, how do I handle seeing him on occasion at work? Maybe I should wait, but I don't think I can.

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