Pride be damned

Yes, by telling The Dane - again - that I cannot sleep with him because yes, its true! I like him!, some part of me, the secret part, hopes he says ---

Wait, yes, of course I want you ---

But instead he says feeling that is natural and he understands and then we talk about our respective cars and bills and karma and I don't ask, But it's not natural to you?  because I have to maintain my dignity. My secret self wants it to be simple and for him to love me back, because he knows me, he has seen me, he said it's natural to have feelings for the person you're sleeping with but he sure as hell doesn't mention having feelings towards me. I didn't expect anything else. Well, secret self did.

Secret self, pride --- whatever we're calling it --- be damned, I must free myself up for something better. I cannot keep spending nights curled against a man who doesn't want me as a girlfriend, I can't keep writing angsty blog posts about a situation I am willingly and destructively participating in. The Dane cannot be part of my love life. I have no time for indifferent men.

Betrayal

I slept with someone new, someone who isn't The Dane, and I had to remind myself that it wasn't a betrayal. It sure felt like one.

I met a nice, tall man who wants to take me to dinner and talk to me during the day and entertain my off the wall ideas. I will allow it to progress and see what happens and soon I won't have to remind myself that it's not a betrayal because it isn't. 

Staring contest

I saw someone who looked like him. Enough like him to make me look twice. Three times.

Four times.

Repeatedly.

Again.

Until I was staring.

But it wasn't him, it wasn't The Dane.

Just someone who looked like him.

Just the idea of him.

Just me wishing it was him, wishing we were 'running into' each other like we do. Wishing suddenly he would text me. Suddenly checking my phone in case he did.

He didn't.

See and be seen

I'm not so sure I like seeing him everywhere. How am I supposed to play it cool, protect myself, if I see him around every corner? How can I trust my instincts? I want him. I want him in my life.

Is this how it works?

Why can't I ever just leave a man in Crushland? Why is there never a stone unturned, why must I always check just to be sure? Does anything ever happen except Another Bridge Burned? If he is interested in the polite coffee chitchat, the safe topics, if there is a smidgen of chemistry, it will suddenly be over and then he will be another man I see on the street, who I see at shows, who I see waiting in line for coffee in this small town, another to add to the list of It Wasn't Anyone's Fault It Just Didn't Work Out. But is this dating, this awkward dance? Do I just hope like hell I keep taking these chances, asking strangers to coffee because this is what you do?

Is this what you do?