Yes, by telling The Dane - again - that I cannot sleep with him because yes, its true! I like him!, some part of me, the secret part, hopes he says ---
Wait, yes, of course I want you ---
But instead he says feeling that is natural and he understands and then we talk about our respective cars and bills and karma and I don't ask, But it's not natural to you? because I have to maintain my dignity. My secret self wants it to be simple and for him to love me back, because he knows me, he has seen me, he said it's natural to have feelings for the person you're sleeping with but he sure as hell doesn't mention having feelings towards me. I didn't expect anything else. Well, secret self did.
Secret self, pride --- whatever we're calling it --- be damned, I must free myself up for something better. I cannot keep spending nights curled against a man who doesn't want me as a girlfriend, I can't keep writing angsty blog posts about a situation I am willingly and destructively participating in. The Dane cannot be part of my love life. I have no time for indifferent men.
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