Calling all applicants

I can't even keep up. These men coming out of nowhere. Out of everywhere. Every man I have ever met, ever looked at, ever discarded, has found me. Has tracked me down. Wants to "reconnect." Wants to say hello. Wants to buy me a drink.

What is this? I keep thinking it'll stop, it'll peter out, but it has not. Men I haven't talked to in literally over ten years (I didn't even think I was old enough yet to say that!) are now finding me. Howhowhow. Why? Why is my name forming on the lips of all of these men?

(And you may think this is my ego and my vanity and that I'm secretly so super psyched, but really, I'm not. I'd prefer them to stay where they are. I'd prefer them to tone it down. Keep their emailing and their texting and drink offerings to themselves. I'm taking ideas for a blanket response to all of this unwanted communication. Please apply here.)