Keeping the faith

Why do I let it get to me? Why do I want to assault people for silly inconsiderate coincidences? She didn't mean it I keep telling myself. But if that bitch so much as fucking looks at me I'll flip my shit. That doesn't add up. My anger at this innocent bystander.

My anger at drunk girls.

My anger at myself.

Am I acting the part? No. I can't even continue this thought process. I'm just angry. I am angry.

There was an incident. And without giving too many details, without divulging names and places and feelings, let's just say: My best friend. Moved out of town. Came back. Surprise! Except he'd been back for days. And then he was ...biting.

And like that I've lost all faith in men. Like that. One swift blow. Everything is affirmed. Every man who didn't call me back. Every man who acted like he cared. Every man I pass on the street.

I can't even look at him. I can't even look at him on the street. Because you know what? I'm convinced he will never see past the exterior. The part where I can be undressed and touched and talked into and walked home and not walked home and let me be a pseudonym please and let me kiss you just let me kiss you and this isn't something I do and you're beautiful no you're hot, so, so hot but by the way: I have some kind of excuse that will stop this. I have a reason. It's beyond my control. But I will leave you. I will not stay. I will not stay. I will leave you.

But for good reason.

It's not you. It's for a good reason.

(Job family fucked up mindset we're-not-in-love I-think-you're-slutty you-drink-too-much you-work-too-much I don't like all those polo shirts you wear you look like a douchebag.

Oh, wait. That was me. Mostly. Polo shirts aside, that was me.)