Hellish waters

Its jealousy. I've never been so jealous. I've never been the type. So what makes it different? Why am I this way? A million reasons: it feels like being friends first helps, usually, but mostly, in this case, being friends first actually just helps you to visualize who was sleeping with whom before The Relationship began. And tonight over burritos with a friend, with our mutual friend, I finally connected the dots to someone else on his list, someone before me, well before me, and I can't shake it. I was the one who resisted The Relationship, who dated all his friends, who introduced The Boyfriend to the men I was dating, The Doctor, December Boy, The Man From Boston, everyone. And now I'm the one who is jealous over an affair that happened years before we knew each other? It doesn't make sense! It doesn't make sense.

The only way I can rationalize it is by thinking this is it, I'm all in, I've never been all in, but really, really, I'm all in. I'm all in. I don't know how to be all in. I always have a Back Up Plan. But now I don't.

And I'm scared as hell.