Stressors

I'm different now that we're here. Now that we're in a relationship.

We were friends for so long, and now I am markedly different. I get jealous easily. I want all his attention. This is not healthy. I know it isn't. I get upset with myself for not being a better person, for not letting things go, for not being able to go with the flow.

I can't go with the flow. I hate this about myself: my inability to just let things be, and it's becoming more apparent as the relationship goes on, as I am still unable to make some friends, as we're still broke.

I think it's a lot of factors. Stress. It's ugly.

Once a cheater, always a cheater

This is the point in every relationship, non-relationship (you know the drill) that I have in which I cheat. I wander off, I deviate, just to make myself feel in control. I want to be in control. And it really feels like he has the upper hand here. I feel alone. It's not his fault.

I mean. It's not him. It's me.

But I get bitter and jealous when he spends time with his friends. Because I don't have any of my own in Chicago. It feels unfair, and I feel like a child all of the time, constantly thinking life isn't playing by my rules.

The problem is [or mostly isn't]: I can't cheat. I wouldn't dream of cheating.

Dammit!

Back to back

He's back. It's fine. I guess.

Something shifted. I realized how reliant I am upon him. And now I can't snap out of this loneliness. He's sitting right here, but he will leave.

The fight. I started it. I take fault. Bad move, Heartless. Not cool.

But he left.

I told him to stay.

He left.

I chased him down the street. (Yes. Just like in the movies.)

We had a brief reconciliation. Then we got into another shouting match. Then I walked away. And then he was gone.

And now. Nothing. He won't say a word.

He left.

The Marriage Quotient, Part II

He said he didn't believe in marriage.

I've always said that I don't believe in marriage.

But I took offense. As someone who was married before, he holds far more insight on the issue than me, but all my immature self could think was, He married her, and now he doesn't want to marry me.

Entirely illogical. I know this. Now if only I would believe it.

(Because I still don't believe in marriage.)

Getaway

This is the shift. It always happens. I suddenly see myself out. Outside of the relationship. I see my getaway. And now I worry there's no turning back.

Spoken for

I don't want to speak too soon.

But I feel like I'm coming to terms with this. This jealousy I've been grappling with, how I've felt resentful and have been brooding for no real reason - I feel like maybe it's starting to work itself out. Maybe it is just time that I need. Maybe if I just give it more time, if I refocus my thinking, if I don't think it to death, if I don't play out every possible scenario, if I just let it go, maybe I'll be okay.

Maybe I'll be just fine.

But that's no reason to jinx myself.

Coincidence

I saw The New/Old Guy, whatever we're calling him, on the street while riding the bus with The Boyfriend. Chicago is far smaller than I gave it credit for.

How often do I even look up from my book/conversation/Itunes to look out the window? Just saying. It feels weird.

Check, please

I don't particularly want to bore you with the mundane details of a relationship right now. Check back later.

Rational

My entire life is not this relationship. I just keep forgetting.