You can't always get what you want

My mom figured out text messaging a few months ago. It cracks me up when she consistently misuses catchphrases and capitalizes bizarre things in her messages.

However. I wish perhaps I were not so adept with my messaging. Leave me unattended with my phone after a few glasses of wine and it's on. While having family dinner last night, WOS texted me. Fine, I got a bit excited. But that's only because I feel starved for any kind of interaction these days.

I told him I'd be out later, but then, later, I never heard from him. It bugs me that I always respond to his texts (despite the fact that I mostly don't end up meeting up with him), and I know good and well that he has gotten one from me and he chooses not to respond. It makes me feel insecure. And very, very desperate.

And then The Ex called me, and while I ignored his call, I texted him a bit later asking what he wanted. I know what he wanted. He wants to get back together and go through our unhealthy, cyclical relationship all over again. Ah yes, that makes sense. I point blank told him it'd just be sex.

The Ex Effect

The Ex texted me last night. Several times. Not middle of the night, drunken texts. Like, 10pm texts. Several, actually. All about how he really wants to try to make our relationship work and that he wants to explain himself to me, etc.

How do you nicely say only for the sex?

DOES kissing kill?

Sam thought so.

This is a dated entry. This situation happened a couple of months ago, but is so interesting to me that I feel I should share while I have a current lull in the love connections.

Sam, I was drawn to him, and I do not fully know why. He smokes. Pall Malls. And is an Atheist. But he’s kinda ridiculous, and cute, and is a very good cuddler. I immediately had a crush on him. I got a good feeling about him. There was something there.

We hung out, and as the evening progressed, he was being flirty, and asked if I wanted to go to my favorite dive bar. Why of course I do! We walked there, where he got quite drunk, and I stayed sober. We took a very long walk back to my house, stopping at all kinds of random places, including the park I run through. He held my hand and touched the small of my back often. Almost kisses kept occurring. But I felt like I was sort of taking advantage of him in his drunken state, and did not want to put the moves on him for that reason.

We got back to my house, and he immediately laid down on the couch and just passed out, asking me to lie with him. I did, but ended up getting up about an hour later to take my contacts out and go upstairs to my bed. I went back downstairs and looked for a blanket to cover him up with, but couldn't find a single one. Realy?! Usually somewhere in the ballpark of four are draped across the couches, but of course, not that night. I felt awkward, but I woke him and told him he could come upstairs to my bed as long as he kept his hands to himself (ohhh judge me. Do it.). He was half asleep and drunk, and went to put the moves on me, but I did not want to hook up with him at 3AM while he was drunk. Also, I didn’t want to hook up with him in general. We just met.

Nothing happened, and we fell asleep. And cuddled. It was GLORious. We had still not kissed despite the cuddling, and I was bound and determined to make it happen. In the morning, we talked, cuddled, tickled each other, but still did not kiss. I was making myself very available to it, but nothing. At his request (I woulda stayed in bed trying to get the kiss magic on all day), we went and drank coffee and read the paper. I knew he had to go, he was going out of town, and so he pecked me on the cheek and left.

I stood there, completely confused. He slept in my bed but wouldn’t kiss me?! He held my hand, almost kissed me a dozen times, but then nothing? I brooded for a bit, then decided to send him a text message. It read: Lamest goodbye ever, sir.

I didn’t get a response, and was feeling very wound up about the entire situation, so I went for a run. 2 miles later, I got home and found that I had missed a call from him. I called him back, and he told me it had been a lame goodbye and would I like to get some coffee? I agreed. I showered and he met me back at my house. He was sprawled out on my couch when I came downstairs, looking adorable (I left the door open while I was getting ready so he could let himself in). I so wanted to kiss him immediately, but could not find a good opportunity. So. We decided to go for a walk around the city. We walked for 4 hours. He didn’t try to hold my hand. But bought me coffee. And he frequently put his arm around me while sitting on various benches we would stop and sit upon.

We got back to my house right after dark, and cooked dinner together. While cooking and watching random youtube clips, someone knocked on the door. I went to answer it, panicked that perhaps it was The Ex (because he thinks it's okay to show up unannounced at my house, trying to win me back), and opened it to find my roommate's boyfriend at the door. He came in for a second and picked up a key. Then he left, and Sam and I went back to youtube. A few minutes later, someone knocked again, thinking it was her boyfriend again; I answered it.

It was The Ex. I immediately walked to the porch with him and closed the door, because he could see Sam and Sam could see him if I left it open (not sure if The Ex actually saw anything, but it is likely he did). I told him it was a bad time and that I would call him the next day, internally panicking and willing him to leave. He started to tear up. And tried to kiss me. I shied away and told him to go.

I felt really bad and couldn't calm down for almost an hour after he left. My stomach was in knots. I care about him. But I’m moving on. The end. He’s never going to change. However, I DO need to make a point to not sleep with him anymore.

Sam. We ate dinner on the kitchen floor. It was very romantic. Sitting on the floor with mason jars full of the remnants of wine and champagne I had (very little), collard greens and chicken. Talking about family and cats. Then we cuddled on the couch for hours alternating between one ridiculous show after another.

I went in for the kill. He was not taking my obvious bait all day, so I decided I had to do something. I had to make a full effort before discounting him. I tried to kiss him, he turned away. I felt immensely silly. I got up shortly thereafter to clean up from dinner, etc. I came back to the couch, and he leaned his head on my shoulder, and my cats cuddled between us. It was cute. But I knew something was off.

Why wouldn’t he kiss me?!

We went upstairs to my room to fall asleep (I assumed he would sleep on the couch since I now had washed all the blankets, but didn’t fight the cuddling/perhaps kiss that would ensue with him in my bed), and he asked to borrow my toothbrush. I was taken aback. Asked him all sorts of questions about why he wanted to use it. I begrudgingly agreed. He came to my room to sleep. My heart was racing. Finally, I said, “...why won’t you just kiss me?”

I believe he laughed a little and said he preferred it this way. He liked cuddling but not kissing. I went on to ask him a variety of questions, including: are you celibate? In a relationship? Gay? Met your girl quota? Are you worried I’ll be a stalker once you leave? No. No. NO.

WOS Round 2

It's becoming more and more difficult to stay away from said WOS. Late night texts are becoming increasingly maddening. Random late night texts.

It never feels good to only be that person who is wanted at 3am.

Thankfully, my 3am willpower last night persevered. Hopefully I can continue in this fashion.

The Editor

Out tonight for a friend's birthday. The Editor showed up.

The Editor, you ask? A boy from October. He kind of loved me, and that was just the problem. I like him. He is very cool. He has it together, a serious job, he knows people.

Tactless? 'He knows people.' There is something alluring about a man who is in a certain position. Is it terrible that I get the whole Donald Trump business now? How does he get all these ladies? Ohhh, I get it.

Yep.

So. The Editor. He is a very nice guy. But drunkenly one night he kept saying how he loved me, and since I have this silly problem being in a functional relationship, it clearly couldn't work. Plus, The Boy was in the picture at the time (albeit only in text form), and The Editor knew. And was jealous.

But tonight. The editor bought me a drink. And there was a moment at our mutual favorite dive bar. A moment of...I'm not sure. I don't necessarily want to go back down this road. But.

Stupor.

Well, today has been the worst day of my life. It's only 4pm, I'm curious to see how much worse it may get.

Finally, finally, I cornered The Boy. Well, not cornered. We haven't spoken for a couple days. This awkward, random phone call business is old. I told him that I like him and that I am fine if he does not feel the way that I do, but that I want to figure out what we're doing. And he bluntly said that we can continue talking, but that unless we're in the same city, he sees little prospect of a "committed romantic relationship." Direct quote.

And other non-male related events are happening in my life, causing me crazy amounts of stress. I have been physically ill all day. The Boy was the catalyst, and now it all feels overwhelming.

I know better than to be friends with boys with girlfriends

My FB friend texted me Friday night from my house. My roommate threw an impromptu gathering, he ended up there with a lady friend. I live in the smallest city. I believe that mystery is solved: we cannot be friends because he has a girl in the picture. That's fine. It's the classic "When Harry Met Sally" dilemma.

And December Boy. Nothing new has happened, but he is on my mind. Logically, I get it, it's not going to happen. Even if he didn't have a quasi-girlfriend in the picture, it wouldn't work. He is forbidden, and thus enticing to me. That's the only reason I'm this obsessed.

WOS boy called me at 4am today. I love being that girl. Oh, so much. Ahem, sarcasm.

And then of course The Boy. I'm not even sure what's happening with him. We keep having these brief conversations where we don't really say much, and then we get cut off. His phone dies, our signal is lost. It's frustrating, and I feel as if the longer we have this disconnect, the harder it will be to correct it.

We could never be trapped in a room together

December boy. We hung out again last night (cursed mutual friends!). It felt very flirtatious. He kept touching me. A lot of unnecessarily long leg pats for emphasis. But. I'm not saying I didn't like it.

He said something about us being friends, and I jokingly said, "We can never be friends!" I was going to follow up with something absolutely ridiculous, like how we'd never be friends because we can't agree on who loves The Cure more. Before I could get there though, he said, "Really? You're gonna do that?" And then I laughed and told him I was joking (but joking in an honest way, really. I don't want to be friends with him. Or sure, friends. Kissing friends.). I explained The Cure bit I was going to put out there. The conversation proceeded, and I said, "But really. We can never be real friends who sit in the same room alone together." And then he brought up the word "tension" and I told him I would never trust myself to be trapped in a room with him. And then of course he went on to say, "I think you're cute. And interesting." And this is the problem. We both know it. Cute. Interesting.

And off limits.

Birthday sex

It was my birthday this week. The Boy forgot. Or something. I still don't really know. He texted me that evening, and it seemed clear that he did not know it was my birthday, so I told him I was having birthday happy hour with my friends. Still, nothing.

I turned my phone on silent at some point, and later received a voicemail from him, singing "happy birthday."

What do I do with that?

Then, The Ex texted me. He said happy birthday. But also, that he still wants to try to work on our relationship. We broke up for the sixth (yes, sixthhh) time in September. I'm done. I still feel bad about it though. I shouldn't.

Finally, and perhaps incidentally, while these messages were silently coming in, I was with a ahem, friend. No further details are necessary.

Angst

I'm angsty. I am sitting here this morning, entirely in my own head and feeling insane. The Boy! The Boy! The Boy!

It's just unflattering. We initially met, talked over the world wide web for many months, and then spent a week together. Now he doesn't seem interested.

Well, that's just not nice.

I need to stop picking it apart, I know this. But I can't remove myself from the situation long enough to objectively look at it. Feelings are involved, so it's all over.

Addendum

Alright, I wasn't completely honest. Walk of shame boy? Let's call him WOS for short, it's fitting. Well.

The first time we kissed was last spring, when we were both very, very drunk. I knew that he had slept with one of my best friends a few times. We were all out together that night, and she went home with a boy, and jokingly told me, "Don't sleep with him!" when I told her WOS was going to walk me to my car. I laughed because I had definitely never thought of WOS in that way, but about 15 minutes later, we were kissing like mad.

At the drunken time, I reasoned that we weren't sleeping together, as she had requested. The next day I realized that likely still counted as going against her wishes.

Then I wasn't sure if he liked me or whatnot, because he immediately texted me when I left his house, and facebook friended me that day (we all know how important it is to be FB'd, hahaha.). For a couple weeks, I kept drunkenly (and regrettably) texting him, despite him not giving me anything to work with. I finally deleted his number because I didn't even like him! I just wanted his attention because he refused to give it.

And he was the boy who I made out with in the bathroom last month. Remember him? I ended up walking home at 2:30 in the morning, feeling very shameful. The very next afternoon we ended up at the same well-loved brunch place. We talked a bit, and then he spent an hour or so making out hardcore with a mutual friend at the bar.

So why am I doing this? It's the chase. It's the drama. A secret part of me wants to be the girl who changes his manwhoring ways. What is that?

Walk of shame

I am a multi-faceted person.

Despite the fact that I know that The Boy is the one I want, I also know that he has not been as vocal in his feelings for me. Obviously, he flew me to Boston, yes. I told him on several occasions that I really liked him while I was there, and I suppose the sentiment was not overwhelmingly returned. I fear I have frightened him.

While long distance is not ideal, it's still an option I would be willing to talk about. And I feel he does not want to have that conversation. So here I am, playing it cool. Whatever cool is.

Well, my version of playing it cool seems to mean: kissing all my old random standbys. I walked of shamed it out of one of the standbys yesterday morning. Oh, good morning roommates who I vaguely know. Lovely to see you again.

What really makes this shameful, so, so, shameful, is that despite the fact that I did not have sex with him, two of my best friends have. They jokingly refer to themselves as "Eskimo Sisters." (This I did not know the first time I kissed said boy last spring.) He is in my group of friends. And he's a well-known whore. So.

I like you

I talked to December boy again last night. We briefly talked about the fact that we like each other. Again. I wanted to kiss him.

Facebook friends

My job causes me to spend most of my life staring at my computer screen. Google and I are in a very serious relationship.

While doing some work research, I made a friend. Online. We sent random e-mails for a couple months. Nothing serious, just random youtube clips, sarcasm and the like. Then he asked if I wanted to meet him. We live in the same city. We work in similar fields. So, we met.

I admit, I had a tiny crush on him. He is nerdy like me and has curly hair. What's not to love? I was in no way going to pursue him as anything other than a friend, however. But it seems as if he has been quite aloof in the month since we hung out. We have barely spoken, and I've gotta say, it was a little bit less than flattering that he no longer wanted to talk to me once we met.

But because we live in such a small city, I saw him out last night. We ended up at the same dive bar. We talked a couple times as we would pass each other in the mayhem of the bar, but that was it.

There's not much to make of this, but I thought, as I am now working to post regularly, that I should mention it. Perhaps we really will become friends one of these days?

Wanderlust

I really, really like The Boy. The l-o-v-e word has definitely crossed my mind many, many times. It's early. And I have serious concerns that I am being much too forward. But I know he is what I want. Telling him feels like the logical next step.

I am trying to reel in my feelings. Or expressing them to him. He knows I like him. I want to play it cool now. I am making a conscious effort.

Long distance though causes a problem. Our mutual lack of money to fly back and forth to each other is also discouraging this relationship. The truth is though, I want to move regardless. Before anything happened with him, before I knew him, I knew I wanted to go. Find something bigger. And now it just feels convenient that I visited Boston, I know the city. Why shouldn't I look for a job there?

So. To put this in a non-creepy/stalker way, I want to move. It would also be lovely to see The Boy more. But I'm not following him. If I get a job in NYC/LA/Seattle, I'm going there. But there is some comfort in Boston for me now. I guess thats where the creepy-I'm-moving-across-the-country-to-be-with-you vibe comes from.

In love

Must catch up.

I just returned from a trip to the grand city of Boston. Boston, you ask? The Boy is from there.

I have an email boy. I met him at work in September, when I was just ending things with the ex. The Boy was just passing through town, and I didn't talk to him much. I was in the midst of a break up, and certainly not wanting to pick up men who frequented my place of employment.

But then he Facebooked me. Of course. (I have a theory about how FB is taking over the world. But that's another conversation entirely.) Thus began a beautiful online love affair. I still saw other boys. But most nights, I came home and talked to him. Or e-mailed him.

I grew attached. I wanted to see him in person asap so that we could test the chemistry. On paper, he is amazing. But I'm a skeptic. I didn't want to put all my eggs in his basket without fully knowing him. In real life. Outside of gmail, you know.

While I was attached, I was also still boy crazy. Craaaazy. Right after Thanksgiving, I got a crush on a boy, Sam. We had a couple dates. And The Boy noticed my absence. He called me on it. I wanted to be honest with him, to tell him I had a date with another boy. But nothing happened with Sam, not even a kiss. We didn't see each other again. We decided to just be friends.

So I told The Boy that the distance was really starting to get to me. He said he understood. A couple days later, I received a care package from him. A care package that he sent during the two days I was aloof. He enclosed a multitude of things that he knew I'd love, his copy of a book I wanted, baked goods; tiny funny things that he gets about me. And a roundtrip ticket to Boston.

Yep.

I felt terrible. I was off gallivanting with Sam and The Boy was purchasing me a plane ticket? We had talked about visiting each other, and I really wanted to see him, but he hadn't seemed as excited about it, so I did not push it. When in reality, he was planning this grand romantic gesture.

In lust

New Year's Resolution: blog more. Also, stop kissing so many boys. And tone up my arms.

I know, I need to be on this. I do. Why did I start a blog if I'm never going to write anything?

December. Well. I have found the town I live in to be exceptionally small. At least my circle of friends seems to be closing in on me. I liked a boy, a lot. I liked his name. I still do, as a matter of fact. We kissed many times. It was quite lovely. He had a party at his house one night, and I wore this ridiculous holiday tinsel dress (I just craftily sewed tinsel onto a dress I own), and I tracked tinsel all over his house. He took me home, came upstairs to my room, we kissed. And kissed. And fell asleep. It was raining, and he left in the midst of it at 7am. I was confounded. I asked if he had to attend Mass (it was a Sunday). He was noncommittal.

I wanted to play it cool, but since we share friends, we both ended up at a mutual friend's house the next night. Wii bowling and the like. And then again a few days later, we ended up kissing like mad at a bar. Then we had a talk. It went something like:

Me: I get it.
Him: What?
Me: She's coming back to town. We can't do this.
Him: We can't.

Then we kissed for about twenty more minutes.

His ex-girlfriend was away at school all semester. And she came back last month. The only reason they were not together was because of the distance. I knew it. I set myself up for failure. But the chemistry between us was amazing, despite the fact that she was always in the picture.

So, lucky me, I got to go to her graduation party 3 nights after I made out with him. She hugged me upon arrival. I hadn't decided if I should a) have a drink and bow out early, or b) drink until I couldn't feel feelings and make bad decisions. I chose b. Or b chose me? I was discovered in the bathroom hours later, kissing another guy from the circle of friends. What does this make me?

No one wants to hear this, I get it. Let me write into the nonjudgmental abyss.

I liked him though. I did. Despite knowing it wouldn't work, because I knew all along that she would come back. I had a small party the next weekend, and a mutual friend invited him. And her. It ended up being around ten of us, with me feeling like the most awkward person ever. Why would he come to my house with his girlfriend? Clearly there is chemistry between us. Clearly we would still be regularly making out if not for her return.