In lust

New Year's Resolution: blog more. Also, stop kissing so many boys. And tone up my arms.

I know, I need to be on this. I do. Why did I start a blog if I'm never going to write anything?

December. Well. I have found the town I live in to be exceptionally small. At least my circle of friends seems to be closing in on me. I liked a boy, a lot. I liked his name. I still do, as a matter of fact. We kissed many times. It was quite lovely. He had a party at his house one night, and I wore this ridiculous holiday tinsel dress (I just craftily sewed tinsel onto a dress I own), and I tracked tinsel all over his house. He took me home, came upstairs to my room, we kissed. And kissed. And fell asleep. It was raining, and he left in the midst of it at 7am. I was confounded. I asked if he had to attend Mass (it was a Sunday). He was noncommittal.

I wanted to play it cool, but since we share friends, we both ended up at a mutual friend's house the next night. Wii bowling and the like. And then again a few days later, we ended up kissing like mad at a bar. Then we had a talk. It went something like:

Me: I get it.
Him: What?
Me: She's coming back to town. We can't do this.
Him: We can't.

Then we kissed for about twenty more minutes.

His ex-girlfriend was away at school all semester. And she came back last month. The only reason they were not together was because of the distance. I knew it. I set myself up for failure. But the chemistry between us was amazing, despite the fact that she was always in the picture.

So, lucky me, I got to go to her graduation party 3 nights after I made out with him. She hugged me upon arrival. I hadn't decided if I should a) have a drink and bow out early, or b) drink until I couldn't feel feelings and make bad decisions. I chose b. Or b chose me? I was discovered in the bathroom hours later, kissing another guy from the circle of friends. What does this make me?

No one wants to hear this, I get it. Let me write into the nonjudgmental abyss.

I liked him though. I did. Despite knowing it wouldn't work, because I knew all along that she would come back. I had a small party the next weekend, and a mutual friend invited him. And her. It ended up being around ten of us, with me feeling like the most awkward person ever. Why would he come to my house with his girlfriend? Clearly there is chemistry between us. Clearly we would still be regularly making out if not for her return.