DOES kissing kill?

Sam thought so.

This is a dated entry. This situation happened a couple of months ago, but is so interesting to me that I feel I should share while I have a current lull in the love connections.

Sam, I was drawn to him, and I do not fully know why. He smokes. Pall Malls. And is an Atheist. But he’s kinda ridiculous, and cute, and is a very good cuddler. I immediately had a crush on him. I got a good feeling about him. There was something there.

We hung out, and as the evening progressed, he was being flirty, and asked if I wanted to go to my favorite dive bar. Why of course I do! We walked there, where he got quite drunk, and I stayed sober. We took a very long walk back to my house, stopping at all kinds of random places, including the park I run through. He held my hand and touched the small of my back often. Almost kisses kept occurring. But I felt like I was sort of taking advantage of him in his drunken state, and did not want to put the moves on him for that reason.

We got back to my house, and he immediately laid down on the couch and just passed out, asking me to lie with him. I did, but ended up getting up about an hour later to take my contacts out and go upstairs to my bed. I went back downstairs and looked for a blanket to cover him up with, but couldn't find a single one. Realy?! Usually somewhere in the ballpark of four are draped across the couches, but of course, not that night. I felt awkward, but I woke him and told him he could come upstairs to my bed as long as he kept his hands to himself (ohhh judge me. Do it.). He was half asleep and drunk, and went to put the moves on me, but I did not want to hook up with him at 3AM while he was drunk. Also, I didn’t want to hook up with him in general. We just met.

Nothing happened, and we fell asleep. And cuddled. It was GLORious. We had still not kissed despite the cuddling, and I was bound and determined to make it happen. In the morning, we talked, cuddled, tickled each other, but still did not kiss. I was making myself very available to it, but nothing. At his request (I woulda stayed in bed trying to get the kiss magic on all day), we went and drank coffee and read the paper. I knew he had to go, he was going out of town, and so he pecked me on the cheek and left.

I stood there, completely confused. He slept in my bed but wouldn’t kiss me?! He held my hand, almost kissed me a dozen times, but then nothing? I brooded for a bit, then decided to send him a text message. It read: Lamest goodbye ever, sir.

I didn’t get a response, and was feeling very wound up about the entire situation, so I went for a run. 2 miles later, I got home and found that I had missed a call from him. I called him back, and he told me it had been a lame goodbye and would I like to get some coffee? I agreed. I showered and he met me back at my house. He was sprawled out on my couch when I came downstairs, looking adorable (I left the door open while I was getting ready so he could let himself in). I so wanted to kiss him immediately, but could not find a good opportunity. So. We decided to go for a walk around the city. We walked for 4 hours. He didn’t try to hold my hand. But bought me coffee. And he frequently put his arm around me while sitting on various benches we would stop and sit upon.

We got back to my house right after dark, and cooked dinner together. While cooking and watching random youtube clips, someone knocked on the door. I went to answer it, panicked that perhaps it was The Ex (because he thinks it's okay to show up unannounced at my house, trying to win me back), and opened it to find my roommate's boyfriend at the door. He came in for a second and picked up a key. Then he left, and Sam and I went back to youtube. A few minutes later, someone knocked again, thinking it was her boyfriend again; I answered it.

It was The Ex. I immediately walked to the porch with him and closed the door, because he could see Sam and Sam could see him if I left it open (not sure if The Ex actually saw anything, but it is likely he did). I told him it was a bad time and that I would call him the next day, internally panicking and willing him to leave. He started to tear up. And tried to kiss me. I shied away and told him to go.

I felt really bad and couldn't calm down for almost an hour after he left. My stomach was in knots. I care about him. But I’m moving on. The end. He’s never going to change. However, I DO need to make a point to not sleep with him anymore.

Sam. We ate dinner on the kitchen floor. It was very romantic. Sitting on the floor with mason jars full of the remnants of wine and champagne I had (very little), collard greens and chicken. Talking about family and cats. Then we cuddled on the couch for hours alternating between one ridiculous show after another.

I went in for the kill. He was not taking my obvious bait all day, so I decided I had to do something. I had to make a full effort before discounting him. I tried to kiss him, he turned away. I felt immensely silly. I got up shortly thereafter to clean up from dinner, etc. I came back to the couch, and he leaned his head on my shoulder, and my cats cuddled between us. It was cute. But I knew something was off.

Why wouldn’t he kiss me?!

We went upstairs to my room to fall asleep (I assumed he would sleep on the couch since I now had washed all the blankets, but didn’t fight the cuddling/perhaps kiss that would ensue with him in my bed), and he asked to borrow my toothbrush. I was taken aback. Asked him all sorts of questions about why he wanted to use it. I begrudgingly agreed. He came to my room to sleep. My heart was racing. Finally, I said, “...why won’t you just kiss me?”

I believe he laughed a little and said he preferred it this way. He liked cuddling but not kissing. I went on to ask him a variety of questions, including: are you celibate? In a relationship? Gay? Met your girl quota? Are you worried I’ll be a stalker once you leave? No. No. NO.