How things didn't turn out

1AM
Dr: Hey

10AM
Me: Heyyyyy drunk texter

Dr: Arghh, sorry... I just missed you :)

Me: I don't really know what to do with you

Dr: Well that doesn't sound good

Me: Well stop being so cute! It's annoying!
Apologizing for drunk texts with flattery? Seriously?
I'm not mad if that's what you're thinking? I just don't know what to do

Dr: But you kinda are. I'm sorry, seems like a repeating cycle, not what I meant to do

Me: What are you meaning then? Let's just be up front

Dr: I don't have an agenda, it sounds like there are differing expectations, it sounds like in being casual I'm inadvertently messing with your head
Which I'm sorry for. Obviously I'm leaving soon, I really like hanging out with you, but clearly it can only be casual. But I upset you when I'm too casual.
What's your side?

Me: It went from one extreme to another, that's what it feels like. And yeah I work a ton but I'd be willing to make time if I felt it was reciprocatory

Dr: Well I'm attracted to you, hence the kissing. I didn't mean for it to be confusing, I understand that it is. And in my defense, I offered anytime but Monday this week
Is that all fair? Am I salvageable?

Me: Give me a min

...


Someone tell me that I'm not crazy, that I'm normal, that I'm allowed to be done with him, allowed to not drag it out, allowed be frustrated with how things turned out. How things didn't turn out. Let me not feel crazy for putting an entire private conversation on the web, because I need to feel okay. I need to feel like it wasn't me, it was him.

Is it okay that I think he's being callous? That I think his version of "casual" really equates into "nothing." What is he holding on to? Why is he holding on? Is it okay that I told him to give me a minute and then mulled it over for hours, hours, and still didn't know what to say? I think the sheer amount of time, hours, speaks for itself. I just kept thinking how final it would be if I told him that I officially no longer want to see him. And I tried to remove the he's-moving-far-away part. And then I tried to remove the doctor bit, as shallow as I am. Because what it boils down to is the bit where I wonder if my life would be better with him. Will I be happier? I'm quite happy on my own, would he make me more happy?