No take backs

I mean.

It's been final.

It's been final for nearly half a year.

I haven't been entertaining ideas of re-kindling our romance, our screaming matches, our ripping each other to shreds. But suddenly it all feels so final.

It's always a slow evolution, how we become the latest version of ourselves, and here we are, slowly evolved into not knowing each other, into knowing each other because of course we know each other, but not knowing. I'm not allowed to know him in that way any more. In turn, he can't know me in that way. I can't give him the details but all I want is to give him the details.

I still feel powerful to withhold things from him. He has no idea. It's all in my head. I drive a car he has never seen, work at a job he has no idea about, spend my time with all my best friends and feel more myself now than I ever did when he knew me.

We had a perfectly civil conversation via g-chat this evening with no thinly veiled references to our former sex life or being in love. We're evolving into vague friends.

And I will evolve, I will accept this.

But for now: it breaks my heart. All over again. We are no longer in love. But for me, I still feel like I am.