Advice

You shouldn't have left your toothbrush in my medicine cabinet

You shouldn't have called me your girlfriend

You shouldn't have introduced me to all your coworkers

You shouldn't have added photos of me - of us - to your social media accounts

You shouldn't have sent me all those cat pictures

You shouldn't have brought me back coffee that time that you went to New York and scratched out the label and renamed it Bedazzled Blend

You shouldn't have been open to meeting my family

We shouldn't have taken those trips

You shouldn't have lit candles, poured champagne, and cooked me pad thai that day I worked too long

This is why I was in love with you.
This is why I thought you could love me too.

For future reference:

It wasn't a joke to me. It wasn't wasting time. It wasn't biding time. It wasn't playing house. It wasn't pretend love. It wasn't a prelude to real life. It wasn't a fun idea. It wasn't a what if.

It was my life. It was our life. I thought it was the beginning. I thought all of those small things added up to a beginning. I thought that was how it went, I thought it was small things like that and they added up to Something Big, something that words might not be able to capture.

But words capture it now: I wish you hadn't. I wish we hadn't met. I wish I hadn't been just some other experience you needed to check off your goddamn list.

Pride be damned

Yes, by telling The Dane - again - that I cannot sleep with him because yes, its true! I like him!, some part of me, the secret part, hopes he says ---

Wait, yes, of course I want you ---

But instead he says feeling that is natural and he understands and then we talk about our respective cars and bills and karma and I don't ask, But it's not natural to you?  because I have to maintain my dignity. My secret self wants it to be simple and for him to love me back, because he knows me, he has seen me, he said it's natural to have feelings for the person you're sleeping with but he sure as hell doesn't mention having feelings towards me. I didn't expect anything else. Well, secret self did.

Secret self, pride --- whatever we're calling it --- be damned, I must free myself up for something better. I cannot keep spending nights curled against a man who doesn't want me as a girlfriend, I can't keep writing angsty blog posts about a situation I am willingly and destructively participating in. The Dane cannot be part of my love life. I have no time for indifferent men.

Betrayal

I slept with someone new, someone who isn't The Dane, and I had to remind myself that it wasn't a betrayal. It sure felt like one.

I met a nice, tall man who wants to take me to dinner and talk to me during the day and entertain my off the wall ideas. I will allow it to progress and see what happens and soon I won't have to remind myself that it's not a betrayal because it isn't. 

Staring contest

I saw someone who looked like him. Enough like him to make me look twice. Three times.

Four times.

Repeatedly.

Again.

Until I was staring.

But it wasn't him, it wasn't The Dane.

Just someone who looked like him.

Just the idea of him.

Just me wishing it was him, wishing we were 'running into' each other like we do. Wishing suddenly he would text me. Suddenly checking my phone in case he did.

He didn't.

See and be seen

I'm not so sure I like seeing him everywhere. How am I supposed to play it cool, protect myself, if I see him around every corner? How can I trust my instincts? I want him. I want him in my life.

Is this how it works?

Why can't I ever just leave a man in Crushland? Why is there never a stone unturned, why must I always check just to be sure? Does anything ever happen except Another Bridge Burned? If he is interested in the polite coffee chitchat, the safe topics, if there is a smidgen of chemistry, it will suddenly be over and then he will be another man I see on the street, who I see at shows, who I see waiting in line for coffee in this small town, another to add to the list of It Wasn't Anyone's Fault It Just Didn't Work Out. But is this dating, this awkward dance? Do I just hope like hell I keep taking these chances, asking strangers to coffee because this is what you do?

Is this what you do?

The answer is love

At 8:30 this morning, his alarm sounded and I lazily lifted my head from the crook of his arm to look out the window at the falling snowflakes. I live in the deep South these days, this ain't normal, its no common thing. Its no common thing to wake pressed against The Dane and yet it feels more and more normal every time it happens. We watched the snow from his window for a moment before burrowing back under his covers, bare skin touching bare skin.

I dreamed he told me he loved me.

I dreamed I said it back.

I felt ashamed talking to him as we slowly woke up on this snow day, fearful he would be able to tell the truth about me, ashamed Dream Me is too obvious in her desires. Play it cool is all I keep telling myself. He has to come to it on his own terms. I know this. I cannot change his mind by sheer will. But spending 24 hours holed up with him, anticipating Magical Snow, felt easy and comfortable. He made me coffee and cinnamon toast last night when we briefly put on some article of clothing, we sat facing each other in his kitchen, looking each other in the eye, feet intertwined, and told stories.

I can't say how many times I've told myself I'm setting myself up to fail, how alike we are, The Dane and me, how me going it alone is probably best for me, is the way for me to accomplish all I want to and maybe propel me back out of this small town sooner rather than later. Me going it alone makes it impossible to settle, not that The Dane would be settling but that being a pair means compromising, and I'm not getting any younger but since when is 27 old? I have time to fall in love, but isn't that the point of it all?

The least sexy post yet

I know I said I'm not holding my breath waiting around for this man, for The Dane, for this man I refused to date last year and who now I can't unthink. But maybe I lied. Maybe I am holding my breath. Maybe I have been playing a small game where I don't allow myself to initiate conversation with him to see if he will.

I woke to a message from him a few days ago telling me something cool that happened to him at work. I smiled and responded while still in bed, registering the new day and feeling an unnatural level of giddiness. I can't interpret these sorts of things as 'signs' even though I am. I like talking to him, hearing his stories and being part of his daily life. Waking up next to him, sharing coffee in bed and playing songs we think the other will like has created intimacy without meaning to, intimacy that I can't unthink.

Workplace diplomacy

The things I cannot say because I work at my desk five feet from you at your desk: I know that it could be my fault as easily as it could have been your careless mistake, but I can't stand to see you. I can't see you walking in the door, I can't see you in the corridor, I can't bear for you to ask me a question in the office because I know I must answer you so as not to arouse suspicion but the only thing I can think to respond is the petty thing, the You told me via text you might have given me an STI, and that's certainly not diplomatic.

Unrequited

The Dane said he isn't boyfriend material and if I've learned anything in my 27 years its that when a man tells you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you - for whatever reason - listen to him. I am not going to change his mind with wooing or sex or determination. He will come to it on his own. But I'm not holding a candle or my breath hoping he changes his mind.

I ran into him on the street a few weeks ago and things happen as they do and I woke up with him in my bed and then with him having coffee and sharing a day old Wall Street Journal and knew then that I was falling in love with him. This  cannot be an option in my carefully orchestrated life. He doesn't want a relationship. I need to not think myself in love with him.

So lonesome I could die isn't something to joke about

There are too many words to say all that I want to say.

I've been making a conscious effort to stay far from The Ex.

The Coworker and I are okay. He said he finds me very attractive but doesn't want a relationship, and while it wasn't the best news, it at least shed light on the situation. So now we go about our work and we're fine even if I am secretly a little sad about it all.

The New Guy from Chicago who I dated briefly early this year because he now lives close to me in the deep south, what moniker did we decide on? He came to town a few days ago and I met him to see some of his friends play and then he told me, "Maybe I shouldn't tell you I came here to see you and not them," and kissed me and I let him, if only to feel like I was someone's for a bit, to feel like I was back at the beginning of Chicago and things didn't feel so complicated. Now I don't really feel much for him and I don't know how to say it.

I joined an online dating website on a lark. I secretly love the ego boost of it but don't think I'm actually going to find anyone on it. It all feels too fake, too orchestrated, and suddenly all I want is to see someone and get a feeling about him, because I'm not good at pretending.

Through this online forum The Dane found me and made a joke about it. So I spent some time thinking about it and last week I decided to tell him that I thought the universe was telling us something and that maybe we should give it a shot. To which he said he isn't "boyfriend material" and I nearly cried. We are still friends. But now some part of me isn't the same.

And the truth is: I'm really, really lonely. I want to go it alone and have adventures but I mostly feel alone.

Night and day

Thanksgiving day I spent at my sister's house, putting in my family time.

Thanksgiving night I spent curled up on the sofa with The Ex, watching marathons of "Modern Family" and breathing him in.

Business Lunch

It's just now dawning on me that perhaps it meant something more. The New Guy, The Shhh Guy, what have you, he e-mailed me last weekend saying he would be in town and would I care to have lunch with him? I said, Sure and I arranged it with work and he arranged it and he came to town a few days ago and we caught up. I assumed he had some business here in my small town but it's now dawning on me that all the business he had was taking me to lunch.

The Next Big Thing

Also.

The Dane is back in my life.

We have become friends become friends who are plus ones to events become friends who wake up next to each other twice in one week become friends who casually text about innocuous things. I'm not sure I'm all that interested in him, but I also must assume that it could be a thing like it was with The Ex, how it felt like nothing until suddenly it felt like something and then I couldn't fall out of love no matter what I did.

So I'm treading carefully with The Dane as I suspect he could be The Next Big Thing.

There is no work drama

It's all happened so slowly.

The Coworker only occasionally responds to my texts but at work seems to go out of his way to create less space between us. Today, at our regular staff meeting, he sat next to me. Immediately after, upon my asking another coworker for help on a project, he interjected with his insistence to help me. Our walk from the meeting to this new project felt longer than necessary; I badly wanted to address our situation but badly didn't want to bring it up at work.

So it's fine.

There is no work drama.

Except we said we liked each other, I spent the night at his house and met his cat, and then he asked for a rain check on our next planned meeting. And now I can't make heads or tails of it.

It's fine.

It's all fine.

Except in my head where the parts that are supposed to make sense don't make sense. Something is amiss, he met someone or he is being sensible or something else entirely, but his silence on the other end of messages have me guessing and thinking about it too much. I'm grateful for the holiday that is upon us for a holiday from this drama inside my head.

Bridge burner

Well, you can't say I didn't warn him.

I like The New Coworker, I do. He smells nice and appreciates my humor and understands numbers and is outgoing and stays busy. He likes me too. I made a point of having a conversation with him saying that I'm interested now but I will very suddenly become apathetic and for seemingly no reason at all. Or maybe for the reason that my brain catches up with my ill-fated desires a few weeks in and I'm no longer surrounded by a rush of good feelings but simply just this one person, as human as I am. 

So I've decided to make a pros and cons list about this man. I've decided to pinpoint the red flags now so that I can move on early or try to be educated about this if we decide to make a go of it. I have to try to stop it from derailing suddenly and making my work situation dramatic.

Maybe I could just stop pursuing coworkers. Can it be that easy?

Somebody to love

I didn't mention the New Coworker. The Sculptor was a coworker at a school where I teach, but this New Coworker is from my other work, and yes, I've always found him to be attractive. And no, I never really thought much of it.

But things happen as they do and we were talking about weekend plans and he invited me to a musical with some of his friends. It sounded innocent enough, but I had my Stirring The Pot reservations. Regardless, I found myself choosing a friend-appropriate Saturday night outfit and headed out to meet them. And then I really couldn't tell. We whispered comments during the musical and I wasn't sure if it was merely the act of whispering that created the intimacy or if it was something else entirely.

We all went out for a round of drinks after and I got to know his friends and little by little we touched more and more until he grabbed my hand and I got scared and pulled away. I know myself. I know what I do. I love to kiss a man and pretend like it could be something and then in a day, in a few weeks, a few months, I am indifferent and he is bereft. I might be giving myself some credit with bereft but this makes me no less worried about all the bridges I've burned this year. Mr. R and The Sculptor are both men who can't stand to be around me now because I managed to hurt them so badly with my interest turned apathy.

I guess it just takes time to find someone who could understand me, who I could allow into my life in a real way. I know I shouldn't kiss this man at work simply because I know myself and we work five feet away from each other five days a week. But knowing all this doesn't quite stop me from wanting to kiss him.

What she said

I've moved and not been adjusting well and so now my new roommates assume The Ex is my boyfriend because why wouldn't he be since he's spent the night at least three times in the last week.

It's all been very confusing.

I just don't want to go home at night to my new big empty house (my roommates are quite the quiet bunch) and sit alone in my big bedroom without anyone. He is a coping mechanism.

So to try to squelch this, I have asked The Doctor to have that drink he asked me about all those weeks ago. The Doctor who is my neighbor.

I'm in such a state of anxiety that the only thing that feels like The Right Decision is to marry The Doctor and live peacefully in a state of calm and stability. Maybe a little bored, but damn stable. I'm twenty-six-years-old and shouldn't be thinking this way, that the only way around my financial problems is through a man, is through a partner. Maybe it's just the idea of having a partner to bear some of the stress of everyday life, of all the daily struggles and changes like moving. Maybe this too shall pass as it always does. Most of me wants to go it alone, wants to stay alone, wants to travel and deal with things in my own way and not share. But the scared part of me wants a nice house and a nice man and probably a cat or two. Must reassess.

Would you like to have coffee sometime round ii

The Sculptor asked me to have coffee with him.

I'm not exactly sure what he's up to but I have a pretty good idea and I'm just not interested.

Shouldn't a year be enough?

It surely didn't help that The Ex and I picked up communication right where we left off.

I said:
I was (just to sound trite) maddeningly, blindly in love with you in February 2011. It's been a year and still I can't be in a relationship or deal with the opposite sex, I like my independence and I don't think we should be together because of the murder thing but most mornings I wish I were waking up to you, despite me knowing damn well better.

He said:
I subconsciously / consciously kill every effort I make to move past us. I don't think we should be together even though I really miss you all the time. Ours was violent and painful but the truth is I'm in love with you. Every time I find some kind of happiness, it makes me feel like I am giving up on happily ever after. I'm not telling you any of this because I want something from you. We have given each other enough hell. I'm fine on my own and I have liked it. It's what I needed. But to push through all that and good things and a fresh relationship and then not really see you for almost a year and be good. Then all that had to happen is take a short walk with you and spend five minutes on a bench in a park with you. One gaze held for just a moment too long a year means nothing. 

And file it between things we shouldn't say now and are better left unsaid. I agree, it's time to move on and enjoy moving forward.

In the blink of an eye and the span of 6 weeks

A brief walk from work down a sidewalk while the sun slowly set was all it took.

And just like that, it's all over.

I went from hot to cold to it's over.

House call

I'm moving in a few days.

Just down the street from The Doctor.

...

The end

I can't decide if I have a problem with intimacy or if we're just not compatible. If maybe my complete indifference at this point has nothing to do with my problems, but a mutual discord.

To put it plainly: he is driving me nuts.

He invited me to a party on a yacht and instead of saying yes like any normal person would, I called him to quietly end it.

But he didn't answer.