Brave face

I think all this apathy has me turned around. I can't even place my feelings right now. I thought I was fine. I feel fine. I feel okay.

I haven't been actively seeking Someone New. I ran into this guy I sort of know, we started hanging out, and now, suddenly, he's trying to let me off the hook easy. He's trying to be a good guy, and be aware of my feelings, and how this might be too fast for me.

What the fuck does he know?

All I want, all I want, is to not be told what to feel by a man. I don't need anyone to sleep next to, to kiss goodnight, to call when I'm worried. I don't want it. I know what I am capable of: being dependent, needing someone, wanting love.

And right now, I don't need love. I moved to Chicago to go it alone, and now that I'm relegated back to Smalltown, I need to go it alone for a change. I lost myself in The Ex, in making it work, and now all I want is to put on my weird bleaching cream at night and fall asleep with the pillows just how I like them and wake up and not worry about talking to someone first thing in the morning.

I'm not making this up, I'm not putting on a brave face, and maybe my apathy is truly hiding what I really feel, but right now, right this second, all I want is to go it alone. All I feel is the overwhelming desire to be left the fuck alone.