I nothing you

This new guy wants to spend time with me and get to know me and it scares me. I don't want him to know me. I don't want him to know me.

I do not want him to know me.

He invited me to hang out tonight last minute and I chose instead to obsessively text message a girl friend about anything else and watch girl television. I don't want to go on adventures with this new guy because I'm still in love with the old guy and most of me feels like it's wrong to be with someone else, and suddenly my apathy has turned into waking up with puffy eyes because I can't stop crying while this man who I loved for so long tells me he was wrong but he just couldn't love me the way I should be loved.

I can't say this to this new man who wants to know me. I can't tell him I can't stop feeling like I'm betraying the man I still love, who can't love me. Who loves me but can't love me. Something along those lines.

I don't want to get back with him. I don't want to be with that kind of person.

But I can't stop being in love with him. I can't stop feeling like having dinner with this new man is the ultimate betrayal, letting this new man kiss me is crossing the line, and I just want to stay home and feel this, accept this, allow myself to wallow in it. It's the only way to heal. To eventually be a normal person again.

I am so far from apathy and instead of wanting to say I nothing you, I texted him I love you.