This next part

It's been a lot of slow shifting this past week, and I haven't had a moment to write it down, so now it feels like a sudden change has occurred within me, when in reality, it's been slow slow slowly evolving.

Sexy HR Guy has proven to thus far be simply a catalyst. I haven't called him. I'm still mulling it all over. Whether it's even worth it. Whether I'm just wasting my time.

I don't want to meet someone. I don't want to drop my plans because I fall stupidly in love and then suddenly all I think is us. That's what I did with The Ex, and while I don't want to give him too much power, it is an important realization I've come to that I'm really, really scared. I don't want to meet someone, because quite frankly, I don't want to give up my plans, give up my time, give up my life to someone who can leave me. I get it, I get it, I shouldn't let him get to me in this way, that this is just another part of it all, until I come to peaceful acceptance, peaceful seeing him on the street and not plotting murder and/or tears, peaceful knowledge that my life is better. My life is better. I know this. And maybe that's why I'm doubly scared as hell to let someone else into my life. Things are good. I like where I'm headed. I like the things I do, the ways I spend my time, my friends and all the small details, and I don't want to lose myself in someone again.

That's been the beauty of dating Mr. R. There has been no worry about losing myself in him. How could I? He is wonderful and reliable and clever and has hidden talents, but there isn't a spark. It sounds like bullshit, it does, it sounds straight out of a Disney movie, but it's easy to not get swept up because there is no way we could get swept up. Unless he is swept up? Fuck.

What I'm getting to, what I'm saying, is that Sexy HR Guy popping back into the picture made me think a little harder about Mr. R, about what we're really doing, about how it's been nice not to call it a thing but suddenly I suppose it wouldn't be a stretch to start referring to him as my boyfriend and as soon as I thought that I couldn't run away from it all fast enough.

Then I began thinking about The Virgin Bartender. About how I left him that night because he said he didn't want anything serious and of course I hadn't thought of anything serious either, until he said it and I suddenly realized that serious was all I wanted with him. I still can't make sense of it. I still can't figure out why passing his work, seeing his car on the street, running into him randomly, it's how it goes in a small town, but I can't shake him.

It's too soon. It's been six months but it's too soon. And then that lead to me thinking how did I let The Ex do this to me? And maybe it's self preservation, maybe it's wanting to get done what I really want. And then I thought, what do I really want? I want to travel. I want to not be tethered here in this place, I want to be free to do as I please, not give things too much weight because I leave when it's perfect (ahem Raging Alcoholic Bartender), I want to go it alone and prove to myself that I can do it.

Thanks, Sexy HR Guy, maybe we'll have a date, maybe we won't, but thank you for getting me to this next part.