Would you like to have coffee sometime round ii

The Sculptor asked me to have coffee with him.

I'm not exactly sure what he's up to but I have a pretty good idea and I'm just not interested.

Shouldn't a year be enough?

It surely didn't help that The Ex and I picked up communication right where we left off.

I said:
I was (just to sound trite) maddeningly, blindly in love with you in February 2011. It's been a year and still I can't be in a relationship or deal with the opposite sex, I like my independence and I don't think we should be together because of the murder thing but most mornings I wish I were waking up to you, despite me knowing damn well better.

He said:
I subconsciously / consciously kill every effort I make to move past us. I don't think we should be together even though I really miss you all the time. Ours was violent and painful but the truth is I'm in love with you. Every time I find some kind of happiness, it makes me feel like I am giving up on happily ever after. I'm not telling you any of this because I want something from you. We have given each other enough hell. I'm fine on my own and I have liked it. It's what I needed. But to push through all that and good things and a fresh relationship and then not really see you for almost a year and be good. Then all that had to happen is take a short walk with you and spend five minutes on a bench in a park with you. One gaze held for just a moment too long a year means nothing. 

And file it between things we shouldn't say now and are better left unsaid. I agree, it's time to move on and enjoy moving forward.

In the blink of an eye and the span of 6 weeks

A brief walk from work down a sidewalk while the sun slowly set was all it took.

And just like that, it's all over.

I went from hot to cold to it's over.

House call

I'm moving in a few days.

Just down the street from The Doctor.

...

The end

I can't decide if I have a problem with intimacy or if we're just not compatible. If maybe my complete indifference at this point has nothing to do with my problems, but a mutual discord.

To put it plainly: he is driving me nuts.

He invited me to a party on a yacht and instead of saying yes like any normal person would, I called him to quietly end it.

But he didn't answer.

Choosy

I was reading in the park today. I only had so much time before I had to meet a girlfriend for lunch when The Ex happened to text me something about a spot we both like.

One thing lead to another and then he was en route to meet me, and suddenly I wanted to put off my lunch thing, put off everything, sit on that park bench with The Ex and touch him just a little, feel like I was his again.

But it took him awhile, and by the time he arrived, I had to leave. So we hugged for a little too long, walked a couple blocks, hugged for a little too long again, and parted ways.

I sent him a message saying it was nice seeing him for five minutes and he responded with It was the best five minutes of my day. And again I ask you, is this something that I just get over? Am I wasting my twenties on a hopeless man? Will I continue to do this dance with him until another five years pass and then will I finally wake up? Or will I blame him for wasting more of my time? Because I know damn well he still doesn't have it together and I don't believe he will have it together - maybe ever. I know that not making a choice is still a choice - me not dating him but sometimes seeing him is a choice. It feels like the perfect balance of independence and intimacy that I currently want, but in the long run, this thing that doesn't feel like a choice is actually a choice to not pursue a healthy, new relationship.

Burned

How did it crash and burn so fast?

How have I done it yet again?

It's this slow shifting of thought for me, this frame of mind that went from so excited to instead of seeing him tonight, I changed into my pajamas as soon as I got home from work to watch endless episodes of How I Met Your Mother. I mean, it's a good show, but should it be better than a bright, shiny new relationship?

Nitpicking

He doesn't do voices well. But thinks he can I think.

He is a horrible speller.

He leaves the toilet seat up.

The New Boyfriend is 35 years old and I'm afraid there's no changing him.

I just got an e-mail from The Ex and he himself isn't a good speller, but I don't seem to care with him.

I'm not sure whose team I am on, even though I damn well know it better not be The Ex's. I can't make any promises though.

Here I Go Again

Here I go again doing that thing I do.

The sabotaging thing.

I can't deal with him in my space.

I want all this time to myself.

I don't want to compromise.

I'm busy as hell, why did I think I had time to be a responsible, caring individual capable of a real relationship?

Head first

A month in and I'm looking for a way to sabotage this perfectly nice relationship.

He's just so attentive. I'm suddenly scared to death that at any moment he's going to say I love you and I'm going to cry because it suddenly all feels too soon. It felt fast but logical, now it mostly feels like terror. Mostly I feel like a deer in the headlights.

I thought I was ready for this. But now my inbox has a message from The Ex about how he woke up remembering the way I slept with a smile on my face and I don't think I'm allowed to respond to that. I know he's not right for me. I know this.

I saw his sister today while I was out with The New Boyfriend and I could only hope she didn't see me, I was terrified of having that run in. I was terrified she would report back to him that she saw me with Another Man.

This is adding up to sounding as if maybe, maybe I'm in a little over my head.

Nothing new under the sun

But when will I live in London now?

Was that ever really something I cared about or was it always the idea that my life might take that direction if given the opportunity? And now that I've picked one man, my opportunities have become more finite. That daydream about moving to New York City one of these days, opening a book shop somewhere in New England, traveling to Cape Town and Berlin and Southeast Asia. Those are things I want to do. And suddenly all I feel like is that beginning a relationship now means I will be engaged in a year or less, pregnant soon after, and then I will forget.

I don't want to forget. I don't want to wonder What If later. I want to explore the possibilities. But I feel like I have to make a decision to get married, or stay single and pursue my dreams. I don't want to miss out on having a baby, but at the same time, I don't want to resent my partner or said baby because I didn't do the things I needed to do.

Did The Ex ruin me and my ability to give my trust to someone? It's been a year I keep telling myself. I shouldn't still message him like I did today with a silly link I found. I recognize that he is not a good partner, but after all this time it still feels normal to share things with him, it still feels like he gets my jokes better than anyone. It still feels nice to have him there, to know he exists and sometimes I can see him but he doesn't interfere with the things I do. Is it simply that I have to get used to sharing space and time with someone again?

I'm suddenly doubting this New Relationship. It suddenly feels like too much. I need to take a step back and breathe for a moment. I'm getting caught up in my head and over-analyzing it. What's new?

Extra happiness

This is the first relationship I've ever begun with no expectation of Being Saved.

What a thing to admit.

But all those adolescent dreams. All those Disney princess stories.

I always thought I would get swept up in something bigger than myself and suddenly my life would be different.

My life is different now. It is better with him. But he's merely a complement to all the great things I've already created. I'm happy in my life. And he's just extra happiness.

How strange.

A year in the making

I woke up from a dream where I was somewhere with The [New] Boyfriend and I saw The Ex. The details are hazy but I ended up kissing The Ex in the dream with the full knowledge that I was choosing him over this new man I now call My Boyfriend.

It shouldn't feel like some sort of betrayal to call him that. The Sculptor is My Boyfriend now. It's been days shy of nearly a year since that day The Ex became my ex and maybe it's just something I have to get used to, maybe it's my inability to move on, my need to dwell, but it's a fact: I chose The Sculptor and it's not a mistake, it happened fast with him but it didn't happen fast with me, it's been a year in the making.