But when will I live in London now?
Was that ever really something I cared about or was it always the idea that my life might take that direction if given the opportunity? And now that I've picked one man, my opportunities have become more finite. That daydream about moving to New York City one of these days, opening a book shop somewhere in New England, traveling to Cape Town and Berlin and Southeast Asia. Those are things I want to do. And suddenly all I feel like is that beginning a relationship now means I will be engaged in a year or less, pregnant soon after, and then I will forget.
I don't want to forget. I don't want to wonder What If later. I want to explore the possibilities. But I feel like I have to make a decision to get married, or stay single and pursue my dreams. I don't want to miss out on having a baby, but at the same time, I don't want to resent my partner or said baby because I didn't do the things I needed to do.
Did The Ex ruin me and my ability to give my trust to someone? It's been a year I keep telling myself. I shouldn't still message him like I did today with a silly link I found. I recognize that he is not a good partner, but after all this time it still feels normal to share things with him, it still feels like he gets my jokes better than anyone. It still feels nice to have him there, to know he exists and sometimes I can see him but he doesn't interfere with the things I do. Is it simply that I have to get used to sharing space and time with someone again?
I'm suddenly doubting this New Relationship. It suddenly feels like too much. I need to take a step back and breathe for a moment. I'm getting caught up in my head and over-analyzing it. What's new?
No comments:
Post a Comment