Boys with girlfriends

So. So. Here I am. Pajama-ed. Pajama-ed after having been walked home by that boy who has the girlfriend who I hoped to see at the mutual friends' birthday party. Pajama-ed and still assessing. Obsessively assessing. He stood too close to me all night. We traded silly dance moves. He walked me home.

I'm trying to see the bigger picture here. The he-has-a-girlfriend picture. I just get so distracted. It doesn't feel tawdry, or inappropriate, it just feels like we're talking, like we're hanging out, and like we're attracted to each other.

Attraction. Causation. I'm not that smooth. I didn't put the moves on him. I didn't think to. I was just talking. Allowing him to walk me home. Walking and knowing full and well that even the walking was wrong.

How do I do this? How do I move to a new city and have difficulty finding a job, but no problem whatsoever finding men to line up? Seriously? Seriously?

This is a level I've never hit before, me feeling like I can't control this, like things in common don't matter, like this attraction doesn't even make sense, like nothing makes sense, except that I like him. I get a feeling about him. I just feel differently. Holy hell. What does that mean?

I know better than to be friends with boys with girlfriends.