And is it normal for me to think that maybe I'm falling in love with my best friend? Is it normal that maybe we're normal, that we are in love, that it's been a long time coming, that I don't want to convince myself but maybe, the thing is, it's too late: I'm already in love with him.
And is it normal to think I'm already in love with him but let me first see if the New Guy calls?
Um. I've got a couple of things to sort out.
Who said it was ever smooth? It's a big leap, deciding you love your best friend. It's in my hands, it's always been, and now I feel faced with this: our future. It's contingent upon me and I know that I'm holding the cards, I know I am, and that's what makes it so hard. I'm scared to lose my best friend. That we give it a go and we lose it. We lose it all. I feel culpable.
But it wouldn't even be different between us. He would still understand me in strange and perfect ways. We would still laugh. Ride the train. Talk about the things we talk about. Go to dinner parties together. Cook obscene breakfasts together. Take naps and hold hands.
I think I'm using the New Guy as an excuse to not look at the situation for what it is. Or am I? He's a nice guy, we had decent chemistry, but. But. Alright. He's a novelty to me. I think that's it. Uncharted territory. Why am I so damn interested in charting territory?
I always thought a man would sweep me off my feet. I thought that I would finally become the person I want to be when the perfect relationship came along. When the perfect man came along. And I know that I'm a work in progress, always will be, will keep getting better, but The One has been with me sitting at my kitchen table drinking until dawn getting into fights on my front porch falling asleep next to me looking at me looking at him for two years already?
Am I even making sense? Do I ever make sense?
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