Only time will tell

It always feels the same.

The reason I have trust issues is that I think most men want to sleep with me. Saying this in a semi-public forum is difficult as it sounds utterly narcissistic. It's not that. It's that I have a real mistrust of men, and I don't know if it's The Ex or if this is some deep seated stuff that's just now rearing it's head.

It probably has to do with The Ex.

I hope it has to do with The Ex.

Take tonight, for example. I went to a holiday party, and there was a guy there who I know, I've known for awhile, who is a friend of some friends. He came with a girl but I still wondered if he was paying too much attention to me, wondered why at the end of the evening he asked for my number 'so we could all hang out' and if I was being paranoid as I always am or if it was him doing what I think all men are doing: trying to sleep with me.

I don't want to be that girl. I am fighting tooth and nail to not fall in to the same patterns now that I'm back in Smalltown, to work, to have my friends, to not focus on being lonely. I have plenty going for me, I need to focus on that. I miss The Ex, it's true. But time will heal me, I will feel better. I spent that first day in bed after the break up and it wasn't even a full day because my girlfriends were there, they stepped up immediately, they got me out of bed and fed me and let me weep over the idiot.

But That Girl. I don't want to be her. I don't want relationshipped men to try to get my number, to casually ask me about my life.

I didn't give him my number, didn't act interested, didn't want to be in a position to regret.

It perpetuates the idea that all men want merely to sleep with me. What a problem to have, what an un-unique situation, a twenty-something woman being desirable to men. But it's gotten to me. It's getting to me. It's turning me. I'm turning into someone who doesn't trust, who can go along with the games until I fall in love, until I'm on the other end, and I don't know what to do, how to cope, I don't know if this is a natural thing or if it's just me, I think it's just me, I have the problem, I read too much into things, I create problems where none exist.

It's a vicious cycle and I suppose time will help, I hope time will help, I don't know what else to do, I'm still in love with The Ex, I'm just counting on time to see me through, to make me into a functional human being again.