Unbelievable

I guess this is what love is all about.

I've never felt so betrayed.

So absolutely certain that I will not be the same.

But I'm still sitting in his sweatshirt that I loved, that I love. The sweatshirt is him, I loved/love him, I can't love him, I can't believe how deeply betrayed I feel, I can't get over this feeling. I can't get over the knowledge that I willingly loved someone like him. I can't believe it went as far as it did. I can't believe I gave so much to someone who I knew was capable of this. Deep down. I always knew.

But I'm still wandering around the house wearing his clothes. I'm still hoping he will initiate a g-chat conversation, even though I have nothing to say to him. I love him. I loved him. I hate him. I hate him.

My mind says hate. Something else, not so sure it's my trivial heart, but something else, it says do what you need to do. 

I don't want to be with him. I don't really want to talk to him. I hate him for the ways he has complicated my life, the ways I cannot trust, all the time ahead of me where I will have "baggage." I can't imagine being with someone else, loving someone else the same way. I'm wearing his sweatshirt. I feel like I'm defecting but I'm decidedly not. I'm decidedly unsure the next step to my recovery.