The heart wants what the heart wants

The Raging Alcoholic Bartender messaged me yesterday and I know better, I do, but I can't shake him, that feeling of falling in love with him all those years ago, the sitting on my floor arguing about an artist's merits, the breathing him in and smiling like a fool. We hesitantly discussed seeing each other, but it never seems to happen, so I'm not holding my breath. I shouldn't see him. I shouldn't. I know better than this.

And The Ex is officially pestering me about seeing him, about catching up or something, and I just can't make him understand that It's not gonna happen. But because of his insistence on hanging out like old times, now I'm reassessing why I can't just let it go and see him and have things be fine. It's too soon for me, I can't do it, I can't handle it yet, is there something wrong with me? He's fine? I always felt like his ex-wife was a ghost in our relationship, was always there, and so I told him, I hope you're happy you fucked someone else up as much as you always said your ex-wife did to you. I still can't let him know me, all the things I am doing right now, my life right now, I feel some sort of power with him not knowing, I can't sort it all out, I just know that right now it's what I need. I want to sort it out, to have a singular descriptor for how I feel, but I don't.

And Mr. R has got to go. I am over it. I thought he was getting the slow fade until he mentioned me going with him to his sister's wedding...in November. Crushing someone can be so ugly.