Night of reckoning

Here is the time of reckoning: I got home before 11 after a casual round of drinks with The Doctor and I'm left wondering how it really went.

I have no idea.

I was overdressed.

We made plans to see each other again later next week.

I got home at 10:30 on a Friday night.

I don't know what to make of it.

I forced my hair into coercion. That couldn't have been the problem.

I was a lunatic all day pondering the possibilities. I think we're both at the point in our lives where all our friends are getting married and settling down. Suddenly any encounter with a man feels loaded, any time I spend getting to know someone needs to feel like an investment to me. Suddenly I'm that woman. I've gone from the slutty version of myself to the self-aware-that-lends-itself-to-desperation version of myself?

I don't want to give him too much. We haven't seen each other in years and I'm reassessing it all. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I don't want to put myself out there to Someone New or in this case, Someone Who I Really Liked Before if it's not going anywhere. It just all becomes too much, I have a hard time seeing the bigger picture, I focus on the details that add up to me driving myself absolutely nuts with What If.

And here we are again.