It feels too soon to be having these kinds of problems. I don't want to call it anything with The Doctor, because that feels damn presumptuous, but I also can't keep having these clandestine meetings with The Ex. I need forward motion, progress, and spending time with The Ex is me living in a reality that does not exist. I can't juggle two men in this way, I could casually date a million guys but I can't line up The Ex and The Doctor against each other. It's not fair.
But then last night I didn't have anything good to say but I wanted to know The Ex was there and so I sent him a message that just said, "You," and he sent me a message that said, "You (it's who I think about all the time)." And now I'm re-defining the boundaries between us, the most recent rekindling of something that shouldn't be rekindled.
The Doctor asked me about him. And I handled it tragically. I was caught off guard and I botched pretending like it was all fine between us, that we're still good friends and all the things you're supposed to say about someone you used to love. The trouble is, I think it's obvious I still love him. Even though I know he isn't right. It's not easy to gloss over, it still feels too big to pare down to a tidy ending, when it was screaming and sobbing and the end of the life I had in Chicago and the beginning of a begrudging life back in Smalltown. But it's nearing a year. It's time to be packed into a neat package, it's time I was able to talk about it.
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