I should be more excited about The Musician business, right? I should be more excited?
But truthfully, I'm worried about my self respect. I have it, right? Right? But the more I talk about it, the more I mention it, the more I feel as if giving him a tiny, tiny chance means that I- obviously- have no self respect. (And tiny, tiny chance? Apparently, that means lunch. Yes. It means lunch. We're having lunch. Tiny chance: shouldn't that mean something along the lines of perchance seeing him out and about and then maybe I'll talk to him and then maybe I'll see him again and then maybe if we see each other again and it's been a good sixteen months I'll exchange more than niceties?) I feel like I'm not giving myself enough credit.
We all need credit. We all need to make decisions and know when to draw the line. His reaction? His avoidance? If that's how he acts towards me when I am just beginning to know him, how is he going to act if I do get to know him? And some wise advice I just got? Everyone has a story. It doesn't mean you treat people the way he did me.
And then despite being perhaps alone and perhaps self aware and perhaps spending too much time with books and cats and work, perhaps we accept men sitting on our floor with good intentions? But does he have good intentions? Am I trusting my instincts? Is the obsession with work and Hemingway keeping me from seeing the truth?
And can I blame it?
Hemingway is clouding my judgment. I can't be blamed.
(I'm pretty sure that Hemingway will be at fault in a few months. Or tomorrow. But certainly not me.)
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