Wishing and hoping

I texted The Musician after a few drinks. After midnight. After I reached the point of exhaustion. And this morning, feeling no hangover whatsoever, I had to wonder.

Wonder why. Exhaustion prompts you to do a medley of things, but typically not text men oddly sweet messages when truthfully, truthfully -I'm not so sure. It's true, I don't trust him. But time heals and- I could trust him eventually.

We have seen each other a few times. Yesterday. And I left him feeling like it could go either way, and I wouldn't really mind. Because the thing is, the part that is unsettling to me is this: this late night text? It was a lie. It was a pity text. It was an I'm-sorry-I'm-cooler-than-you-and-a-total-bitch-but-you-started-it-and-now-I-don't-trust-you-but-kinda-feel-guilty-because-it's-in-my-nature. But it didn't come out that way at all. What was I thinking? Wishing for something that doesn't exist? Wishing that I really did like him, really did want to talk to him when I'm exhausted and texting nonsense?

Maybe I scared him off? Is it bad that I kind of hope I did?