I got some advice about relationships recently. I was told, "You can't go for the ones you're crazy about. That never works out. You have to end up with the man who is more interested than you. You're 100% you, and 50% your relationship, and you want another person who is 100% interested in you." Something like that.
And all I can think is that isn't the kind of life I want. I don't know that I want to be married. I don't know that I want to have children. I'm sure that these views would drastically change if I suddenly became pregnant or totally enamored. And maybe I need someone to throw a wrench in my life plan. Maybe I don't. Maybe I should get a reckless starter marriage out of the way, then be done with it and have done it, have experienced it, because that's what I'm all about, right, living for the thrill of it all?
I'm this young but I feel this old. I'm just not sure I'm cut out for the kind of life it takes to be with someone for a long time. I loved being in love. But I hated a lot of it. Am I becoming bitter again? Am I acting jaded again? Now that I'm on the outside of love, I worry I'm closing myself off to it all, mostly out of self defense. I never actually stopped hating men, did I?
Maybe I am the problem of my problem.
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