Reflected

Maybe I choose men who are just a reflection of myself, of my own problems, of something I can't quite put my finger on but if we can only wind up together, maybe we could walk together hand in hand to figure it out together.

Or maybe we can destroy each other in the interim.

This really sensible, honest man wants to date me, The Dane, and introduce me to his friends, and pick me up to take me on dates, and all I can think is Be a little more aloof, would you? Could you brood just a little? 

Could you be broken like me?

Last night I wanted to text The Latest Bartender, the obviously broken man. I was out on a date with The Dane and I wanted to talk to another man. I wanted to talk to him and fall asleep pressed against him. But I couldn't give him the knowledge that he had gotten to me, that for some reason I chose him over The Dane, I chose him.

The truth is, I didn't choose him. I left him. Having self respect can feel terrible.

Then this morning I found out that while on my date, my friends had gone into The Latest Bartender's bar and I fear they caused a scene, that he thought I was one of those dramatic girls who passive aggressively sends her drunk friends into his place of work to do my bidding. So then, not knowing what else to do, I sent him a message saying that I apologized if they caused a scene, but if not, then to disregard the entire message.

I probably should have said nothing at all. But. I want to hear from him. But I don't. No need to draw this out.