Dream love

The Doctor is officially in my subconscious. I can't quite recall the details but he was in my dreams again and I woke up feeling warm and happy and in love.

Please don't tell him that.

I am not in love with him.

Dream version of me just might be though.

Slowly

I've been kind of indifferent to this slow beginning with The Doctor, I casually met him for a drink last night and we talked about innocuous things but then he walked me to my car and kissed me just a little.

And I got into my car and smiled like an idiot the whole way home.

And woke up this morning to dreams of him and now he's stuck in my subconscious again and we won't see each other until late next week because our lives are so busy, we can't fit it all in. Slow is good then? I worry it's indifference but it doesn't feel so indifferent to me right now.

The love curve

The Ex is in Chicago as a gift from his father for a week and I am angry that he always manages to get his way through coercing other people to finance his life. Angry actually doesn't do this feeling justice. Duped as always is maybe a better descriptor. He will not grow up, he will not become stable, he will not stop telling long-winded, far-fetched tales and no matter how much I love falling asleep next to him and pulling him in closer to me when I wake up, he is not suitable.

These are a lot of feelings. Especially since we've been broken up for nearly a year.

I think I have to fall in love with Someone New to really shake The Ex. I think falling in love with a new person will help me to realize that there are decent men out there who do not simply sponge off of you and make you think it is love when maybe it is love - but not fair love. The outlook on that front is kind of bleak though, as The Doctor and I seem to be stuck in the weekly drinks realm with neither of us pushing for more in the midst of our packed schedules. It should all just be easier. I'm beginning to think I'm just not that into The Doctor. What a shame.

Rose colored glasses

This is all getting confusing, as I knew it would.

The Ex is managing to work his way back into my life and it's comfortable but I know it isn't right. And I know I can control this, I can limit contact, and I simply have to do it.

But suddenly I feel so much compassion for this man who I'm pretty sure thinks leaving me last year was the worst decision he ever made, while I think it was the necessary push to get me back to reality. The reality that I was letting him take everything from me because I was so in love with him that I couldn't see clearly.

Now I see clearly.

So what am I doing?

The dream of someone else

I purposefully let a bobby pin at The Doctor's. I could call it an accident but let's get real. I left his house wondering if we could go anywhere, if we're slowly beginning something or if we're just killing time. I'm over killing time, but I'm also highly aware that kind of overt attitude probably won't do me any dating favors. So for now, I play it cool. And wait.

I got home from The Doctor's to find a message from The Ex that was just a heart and it makes mine break a little because it's true, it really is: I'm still in love with him. I thought I could see the bigger picture and I don't really want to be in a relationship with him right now as he stands, but he sent that message and all I wanted was to fall asleep pressed against him.

I'm officially digging myself into a hole and I'm not excited at the drama of it as I would have been a few years ago. I'm dating The Doctor because he is stable and trustworthy and polite and all the things I want in a man, and I will choose him down the road if it comes down to it because I know this. I can't be with The Ex. I am in love with The Ex still but I know in time, if I let myself, I can be in love with Someone Else.

Forward motion

It's heartbreakingly romantic I suppose.

The Ex called me and said he doesn't want me to fully close the door on us. That he knows it can't be right now. He knows we both have work to do separately.

This feels like more backward motion. Me thinking that we might work out in the future makes it impossible to move forward in the present. I gave him too much and now it's his, and I'm not waiting for him but I'm also back to frequent talks with him. He is still closer to me than anyone I know. He still understands me in ways that others don't. It's been almost a year. I keep reminding myself.

I don't have to remind myself to live this life any longer, I haven't for some time. But now it's coming on a year since he left Chicago and then I left Chicago to see him and then I left Chicago for good after he left me. I know I dwell on things that hurt but I still can't figure this out.

Does it all go in cycles? Will I not really move on until Someone Else Comes Along who gets me as much as he did? I worry it's all cyclical, it's all meaningless, that we're all interchangeable - will I get swept up in Someone Else and finally forget enough to officially move on?

The end of the yellow brick road

My tolerance for perceived indifference is very, very low.

And I was kind of getting over The Doctor. But since he's a doctor, I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and all. It's annoying. But true.

And then today he came through and I have renewed interest. He wants to see me before he takes his boards on Wednesday and suddenly this Means Something To Me. My schedule is nuts but I'm squeezing in time and he is squeezing in time and suddenly I'm taking it to heart.

I can't quite figure it out, how I was before. I guess I was just more invested, and now I'm trying very hard to stay indifferent, because I'm not interested in Pursuing Something That Leads to Nothing.

Caught Up

I think I'm coming around to rational thought.

But maybe it's just because I haven't gotten swept up in some romance, I have several men in my life but none who have had an impact on me. Maybe I've changed. I'm just kind of indifferent. Three years ago I really liked The Doctor, and this time around I'm trying so hard to be nonchalant since he just moved back to town that I can't get to know him, I can't wonder what he is doing. I think we could be a good fit but I'm not sure I would get swept up.

Since I seem to exclusively get caught up with alcoholics though, maybe this is a good thing?

Why can't I just get caught up with The Doctor? Or someone reliable? Someone not a bartender?

Run In

And hello there running into The Raging Alcoholic on the street and him all smiles and telling me to call him. He is starting art school. He just finished illustrating a children's book that is currently being published. Is he getting his act together?

Will I call?

The Good Life

He's kind of immature, The Doctor.

I keep getting caught up in the fact that he is a doctor. I have plenty going for me aside from an exceptionally lucrative career, which he does have going for him. And it's easy to fall into that, to feel secure in that, to want to have a life and raise children in that kind of stable life.

But I don't want to date someone just because he is an ideal of what I think I want, I want to really want to date him. I don't want to wake up in twenty years married to a man who is still a little immature for me, who I married for stability, two point five beautiful children and a colonial to show for it. Is that so bad? Is that what I want?

Naughty/knotty

The Older Man keeps asking me to send him pictures of my hair. Today he requested a topknot picture.

What does this mean?

I feel creeped out.

Is this normal?

What does it mean?

Small town vulnerability

I was running late to meet The Doctor for Drinks Round III when I ran into The Virgin Bartender. Seriously?

Of course.

He was wearing all black and finishing a cigarette outside the place he formerly bartended. I barely noticed him and could have walked past if I weren't so damn aware. But I saw him and said Hi how are you and he said Hi how are you?

And I said, "I'm good, over the damn summer, I'm so hot."

And he said, "Yes, you are."

And why? Why would he say that? And then kissed me on the cheek goodbye, and while I left not feeling regret, I did leave remembering that connection I had with him, that rarity. But a moment passed and then I walked down the sidewalk away from him mostly remembering the fact that he has seen me naked.

And then I got to The Doctor and I wasn't sure if maybe I shouldn't have just stayed home, that maybe he's just too boring for me. He's wholesome but still gets me in some ways, which I should appreciate. I still can't stop letting The Ex be The Most Important Man In My Life, even though I recognize I can't be with him. Because he annoys me.

But I don't want to be vulnerable to someone new, even someone only kind of new. It feels safe to send The Ex pictures of weird things and stay in touch with him, because it's nothing new, it's the status quo. My mother is going into surgery in the morning, I am getting up at dawn to pick her up and take her to the hospital, I have taken off work, and yet I made sure not to mention a word of this to The Doctor. I'm just not ready for that vulnerability, that sharing of secrets that eventually he will get in the end. I can't risk that again, I can only go slow. Very slow.

So slow that he didn't kiss me goodnight. Maybe I'm more obvious than I thought.

Chemical reactions

And then yesterday happened.

It's official: The Ex and I cannot be left alone together. We met for a late luunch yesterday which ended with us in a dark corner kissing like we were having an affair. It all feels like an affair with him anymore, clandestine meetings and not telling my friends and dating legitimate people but still sneaking around with him. Doing all the things I should and squeezing in this bizarre affair as well. We used to live together, there isn't any mystery left after five years, but because we know it's bad, that we can't make it work, it makes it that much more exciting.

But his personality drives me nuts.

But then the kissing starts and it's all over. My better judgment, my sense of awareness - all gone and suddenly it's just a chemical reaction.

I no longer thrive off of this. I mean, I guess I do, the sensational kissing, but I can't juggle all these men. Last night I was out to dinner with a girl friend and fielding messages from The Ex, The Raging Alcoholic, The Older Man, and The Doctor all at once. It's too much, I'm too old for this, I do not want this kind of life. It's exhausting.

Prolific

I forgot this happened: The Raging Alcoholic. I've become obsessed with this author this summer and thought he would love her. I sat reading a short story by her a few days ago, stopped mid sentence and thought, He would love this. So I sent him a message saying so.

And then he made it flirty. I'm pretty sure it was him who insinuated it all. I don't think it was me. I have too many men to juggle as it is without adding him back in.

I told him she wrote her most prolific work at the age of twenty three, and his unimpressed "Hmmm" in response caused me to say, "At twenty three, I got involved with you and moved to Chicago, I sure as hell didn't write a prolific novel." And he said, "Well something prolific happened." And I responded, "Oh yes, of course, you," and he said, "Well I guess it wasn't Chicago." Wait, was it me doing the insinuating?

However. I promptly forgot about it (how unlike me), until today when he asked me how I was. And I am just fine, thankyouverymuch.

Dating for dummies

I saw The Older Man and I left feeling intrigued despite the obvious quandaries. He doesn't drink, he is vegan, he is in several bands and almost twenty years older than me. He was honest. It made me become more honest, and I left feeling giddy and it had nothing to do with drinks because we didn't drink. It was a weird feeling, just honest giddiness in my car driving home mulling over it all.

I do wonder if our lifestyles will stop it before it starts. I do worry I crave flattery and confuse it with sexual attraction. Sometimes I can't tell whether it's sexual attraction I feel or the novelty of being singled out by someone.