Small town vulnerability

I was running late to meet The Doctor for Drinks Round III when I ran into The Virgin Bartender. Seriously?

Of course.

He was wearing all black and finishing a cigarette outside the place he formerly bartended. I barely noticed him and could have walked past if I weren't so damn aware. But I saw him and said Hi how are you and he said Hi how are you?

And I said, "I'm good, over the damn summer, I'm so hot."

And he said, "Yes, you are."

And why? Why would he say that? And then kissed me on the cheek goodbye, and while I left not feeling regret, I did leave remembering that connection I had with him, that rarity. But a moment passed and then I walked down the sidewalk away from him mostly remembering the fact that he has seen me naked.

And then I got to The Doctor and I wasn't sure if maybe I shouldn't have just stayed home, that maybe he's just too boring for me. He's wholesome but still gets me in some ways, which I should appreciate. I still can't stop letting The Ex be The Most Important Man In My Life, even though I recognize I can't be with him. Because he annoys me.

But I don't want to be vulnerable to someone new, even someone only kind of new. It feels safe to send The Ex pictures of weird things and stay in touch with him, because it's nothing new, it's the status quo. My mother is going into surgery in the morning, I am getting up at dawn to pick her up and take her to the hospital, I have taken off work, and yet I made sure not to mention a word of this to The Doctor. I'm just not ready for that vulnerability, that sharing of secrets that eventually he will get in the end. I can't risk that again, I can only go slow. Very slow.

So slow that he didn't kiss me goodnight. Maybe I'm more obvious than I thought.