And today I'm reminiscent? It doesn't make sense. It was the most awkward weekend of my life.
I think it has something to do with being in a new place, with my vulnerability of a new place, of me falling in love with a new place and sometimes confusing that with a person. I considered living in his town. I did. Before I chose Chicago, I considered staying closer, closer as in his new town.
I don't want to live in his town. It's always the idea of it all. The kind of person I might be in those circumstances. How I could finally be The Best Version of Myself. I get heartsick over Somewhere Else, and am confusing There with Him.
With me still feeling like I failed Chicago, I gave up the life I had here, I left it to pursue something bigger, and The New Guy was part of that new adventure, was the reason I gave it all up here: I knew there was something else for me there. And now, now, here is the confirmation that it's just not gonna work, it's not meant to be.
Why am I taking it so personally? Not him, Chicago. I spent a weekend in his apartment just a few hours south of my hometown and all I can think is that I failed somehow, that Chicago is forever closed, that I'm reminiscing over something that never deserved that kind of attention. That life is what you make it and I need to stop making it crappy weekends with men who aren't quite right.
Embrace it, Heartless. Live the adventure of it all.
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