Still picking up the pieces

I keep looking for him on g-chat. I don't want to be with him, but today, today, I miss him. Today after spending a weekend with a man who couldn't connect with me, today after sleeping next to a man for a weekend and feeling like I was over that part, that relationship, but maybe I'm not, because this other man doesn't know a thing about me, I thought he did but of course he can't, he can't know me the way The Ex did.

We were out on Saturday night and I saw this thing that made me chuckle and think, The Ex would like that, so I e-mailed an image of it to The Ex while I was sitting with this man in his town feeling like he could never know me the way The Ex did, and then I wondered that maybe no one ever will.

To sound fatalistic.

I don't want to get back together with him. I don't feel that way. But the reason I stayed so long? He got me. I forget that until I am with another man who doesn't. I forgot that until now.

Maybe I am not an idiot, maybe I didn't waste all that time, maybe I will never be the same, maybe I was in something far more than love. Maybe I had a right to constantly sound trite. I don't know that I'd do it all over again. I don't know that I want to keep learning lessons either though, to keep having awkward weekends in strange cities, to keep evolving in this manner. It's always like this, life, isn't it? But with relationships, harder. Harder. Harder because it's merely my heart that's broken, my trust that's misplaced, my drunk texts that end up in inbox's they never should.