Big love

I'm sitting here tonight in my bed all alone and I knew this would happen, I knew I would feel this emptiness.

I woke up next to him this morning. I woke up pressed against him.

And now it's all those memories, all back at the surface, nothing important but everything that made our life: the Amish butter we would buy from the market down the street, the walks we took in any kind of weather, walking with him to go swimming every Thursday afternoon last summer. It's all there again and I know I am happier, I know I like my life better now, and I don't really see us getting back together. I can't figure it out.

I'm still in love with him. I miss my old life. But I do not miss the kind of relationship we had. The kind of partner I want is not the kind of partner he was. And he seems the same. More self aware. Trying. But he is the same. And I know that I do not want an unreliable partner.

But I'm so deeply in love with him still and now just confused. I love him. I love him. It's been this long and still I love him. Shouldn't it mean something, this Incredible Love?