One last hurrah

In a world overwhelmed with technology, with the virtual lives of everyone you never wanted to know, it has been a laborious task to avoid The Ex's whereabouts.

I don't get updates. I don't see his name in chats. I don't want to be tempted to scope out the virtual inner workings of the man I am no longer allowed to love.

But he might have beaten me into submission. He said he wasn't trying to get back together, but he still loves me. And suddenly all the things inside me say No but all the things inside me say Yes and suddenly I'm more conflicted than I have been in some time. It's no lie that I love him, I'm not pretending to be okay and moved on, but I've been handling it. I've been managing it.

I don't want to see him. Of course I want to see him.

I don't want to get back together. But I miss the way he would kiss my neck, the places we frequented, how we were so in tune that we didn't need to talk. I can move on. I can find someone else. But it's going to take time. It's going to be rare. And I guess it feels easier to fall back into love but not a relationship. Can I be in love with him but not in a relationship with him?

I've been stalking his online presence for the second time since he left me that day, I've been re-reading messages we sent each other before we dated. I've been doing this in an effort to hate him. In a last hurrah to not want to see him. I've been trying to remind myself the reasons I can't be with him. I remember why I can't be with him. But it hasn't had any effect on that whole love part.

He can't be my best friend anymore. He can't be The Person I Love Most. But it just feels so easy to call him that.