Another morning waking up pressed against him.
Another morning he kissed my neck in the place that is his.
Maybe I'm speaking too soon but what I thought would give him closure is in fact giving me closure. From this distance I can finally see the kind of person he is. I've spent the last months bettering myself and working through things and I know what kind of partner I want, whenever I choose to have a partner. I can envision the life I want and the people I want in it and it's true, I've never loved anyone the way I love him. It's true, we connect in a way in which I cannot put into words.
But he isn't the man I envision for my life.
It's hard to say that. I love him more than anything. But he leads an unstable, gypsy existence. I don't much like his friends. He is long winded and preachy. He exaggerates for effect and I begin to diminish while in his presence; there is only so much space for two big personalities.
Before I saw him he kept saying he wanted us to "be okay" and as of right this moment, I feel okay. It's always been complicated with us but somehow this week has created a new awareness in me. Not that it's not hard. All those moments, weeks, years living together in Chicago laughing at the same things, walking all over the city, holding his hand while the snow first fell our first winter, all of them add up and my heart breaks over it again because now I know, I know that we didn't stand a chance. I fought so hard.
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