So lonesome I could die isn't something to joke about

There are too many words to say all that I want to say.

I've been making a conscious effort to stay far from The Ex.

The Coworker and I are okay. He said he finds me very attractive but doesn't want a relationship, and while it wasn't the best news, it at least shed light on the situation. So now we go about our work and we're fine even if I am secretly a little sad about it all.

The New Guy from Chicago who I dated briefly early this year because he now lives close to me in the deep south, what moniker did we decide on? He came to town a few days ago and I met him to see some of his friends play and then he told me, "Maybe I shouldn't tell you I came here to see you and not them," and kissed me and I let him, if only to feel like I was someone's for a bit, to feel like I was back at the beginning of Chicago and things didn't feel so complicated. Now I don't really feel much for him and I don't know how to say it.

I joined an online dating website on a lark. I secretly love the ego boost of it but don't think I'm actually going to find anyone on it. It all feels too fake, too orchestrated, and suddenly all I want is to see someone and get a feeling about him, because I'm not good at pretending.

Through this online forum The Dane found me and made a joke about it. So I spent some time thinking about it and last week I decided to tell him that I thought the universe was telling us something and that maybe we should give it a shot. To which he said he isn't "boyfriend material" and I nearly cried. We are still friends. But now some part of me isn't the same.

And the truth is: I'm really, really lonely. I want to go it alone and have adventures but I mostly feel alone.

Night and day

Thanksgiving day I spent at my sister's house, putting in my family time.

Thanksgiving night I spent curled up on the sofa with The Ex, watching marathons of "Modern Family" and breathing him in.

Business Lunch

It's just now dawning on me that perhaps it meant something more. The New Guy, The Shhh Guy, what have you, he e-mailed me last weekend saying he would be in town and would I care to have lunch with him? I said, Sure and I arranged it with work and he arranged it and he came to town a few days ago and we caught up. I assumed he had some business here in my small town but it's now dawning on me that all the business he had was taking me to lunch.

The Next Big Thing

Also.

The Dane is back in my life.

We have become friends become friends who are plus ones to events become friends who wake up next to each other twice in one week become friends who casually text about innocuous things. I'm not sure I'm all that interested in him, but I also must assume that it could be a thing like it was with The Ex, how it felt like nothing until suddenly it felt like something and then I couldn't fall out of love no matter what I did.

So I'm treading carefully with The Dane as I suspect he could be The Next Big Thing.

There is no work drama

It's all happened so slowly.

The Coworker only occasionally responds to my texts but at work seems to go out of his way to create less space between us. Today, at our regular staff meeting, he sat next to me. Immediately after, upon my asking another coworker for help on a project, he interjected with his insistence to help me. Our walk from the meeting to this new project felt longer than necessary; I badly wanted to address our situation but badly didn't want to bring it up at work.

So it's fine.

There is no work drama.

Except we said we liked each other, I spent the night at his house and met his cat, and then he asked for a rain check on our next planned meeting. And now I can't make heads or tails of it.

It's fine.

It's all fine.

Except in my head where the parts that are supposed to make sense don't make sense. Something is amiss, he met someone or he is being sensible or something else entirely, but his silence on the other end of messages have me guessing and thinking about it too much. I'm grateful for the holiday that is upon us for a holiday from this drama inside my head.

Bridge burner

Well, you can't say I didn't warn him.

I like The New Coworker, I do. He smells nice and appreciates my humor and understands numbers and is outgoing and stays busy. He likes me too. I made a point of having a conversation with him saying that I'm interested now but I will very suddenly become apathetic and for seemingly no reason at all. Or maybe for the reason that my brain catches up with my ill-fated desires a few weeks in and I'm no longer surrounded by a rush of good feelings but simply just this one person, as human as I am. 

So I've decided to make a pros and cons list about this man. I've decided to pinpoint the red flags now so that I can move on early or try to be educated about this if we decide to make a go of it. I have to try to stop it from derailing suddenly and making my work situation dramatic.

Maybe I could just stop pursuing coworkers. Can it be that easy?

Somebody to love

I didn't mention the New Coworker. The Sculptor was a coworker at a school where I teach, but this New Coworker is from my other work, and yes, I've always found him to be attractive. And no, I never really thought much of it.

But things happen as they do and we were talking about weekend plans and he invited me to a musical with some of his friends. It sounded innocent enough, but I had my Stirring The Pot reservations. Regardless, I found myself choosing a friend-appropriate Saturday night outfit and headed out to meet them. And then I really couldn't tell. We whispered comments during the musical and I wasn't sure if it was merely the act of whispering that created the intimacy or if it was something else entirely.

We all went out for a round of drinks after and I got to know his friends and little by little we touched more and more until he grabbed my hand and I got scared and pulled away. I know myself. I know what I do. I love to kiss a man and pretend like it could be something and then in a day, in a few weeks, a few months, I am indifferent and he is bereft. I might be giving myself some credit with bereft but this makes me no less worried about all the bridges I've burned this year. Mr. R and The Sculptor are both men who can't stand to be around me now because I managed to hurt them so badly with my interest turned apathy.

I guess it just takes time to find someone who could understand me, who I could allow into my life in a real way. I know I shouldn't kiss this man at work simply because I know myself and we work five feet away from each other five days a week. But knowing all this doesn't quite stop me from wanting to kiss him.

What she said

I've moved and not been adjusting well and so now my new roommates assume The Ex is my boyfriend because why wouldn't he be since he's spent the night at least three times in the last week.

It's all been very confusing.

I just don't want to go home at night to my new big empty house (my roommates are quite the quiet bunch) and sit alone in my big bedroom without anyone. He is a coping mechanism.

So to try to squelch this, I have asked The Doctor to have that drink he asked me about all those weeks ago. The Doctor who is my neighbor.

I'm in such a state of anxiety that the only thing that feels like The Right Decision is to marry The Doctor and live peacefully in a state of calm and stability. Maybe a little bored, but damn stable. I'm twenty-six-years-old and shouldn't be thinking this way, that the only way around my financial problems is through a man, is through a partner. Maybe it's just the idea of having a partner to bear some of the stress of everyday life, of all the daily struggles and changes like moving. Maybe this too shall pass as it always does. Most of me wants to go it alone, wants to stay alone, wants to travel and deal with things in my own way and not share. But the scared part of me wants a nice house and a nice man and probably a cat or two. Must reassess.

Would you like to have coffee sometime round ii

The Sculptor asked me to have coffee with him.

I'm not exactly sure what he's up to but I have a pretty good idea and I'm just not interested.

Shouldn't a year be enough?

It surely didn't help that The Ex and I picked up communication right where we left off.

I said:
I was (just to sound trite) maddeningly, blindly in love with you in February 2011. It's been a year and still I can't be in a relationship or deal with the opposite sex, I like my independence and I don't think we should be together because of the murder thing but most mornings I wish I were waking up to you, despite me knowing damn well better.

He said:
I subconsciously / consciously kill every effort I make to move past us. I don't think we should be together even though I really miss you all the time. Ours was violent and painful but the truth is I'm in love with you. Every time I find some kind of happiness, it makes me feel like I am giving up on happily ever after. I'm not telling you any of this because I want something from you. We have given each other enough hell. I'm fine on my own and I have liked it. It's what I needed. But to push through all that and good things and a fresh relationship and then not really see you for almost a year and be good. Then all that had to happen is take a short walk with you and spend five minutes on a bench in a park with you. One gaze held for just a moment too long a year means nothing. 

And file it between things we shouldn't say now and are better left unsaid. I agree, it's time to move on and enjoy moving forward.

In the blink of an eye and the span of 6 weeks

A brief walk from work down a sidewalk while the sun slowly set was all it took.

And just like that, it's all over.

I went from hot to cold to it's over.

House call

I'm moving in a few days.

Just down the street from The Doctor.

...

The end

I can't decide if I have a problem with intimacy or if we're just not compatible. If maybe my complete indifference at this point has nothing to do with my problems, but a mutual discord.

To put it plainly: he is driving me nuts.

He invited me to a party on a yacht and instead of saying yes like any normal person would, I called him to quietly end it.

But he didn't answer.

Choosy

I was reading in the park today. I only had so much time before I had to meet a girlfriend for lunch when The Ex happened to text me something about a spot we both like.

One thing lead to another and then he was en route to meet me, and suddenly I wanted to put off my lunch thing, put off everything, sit on that park bench with The Ex and touch him just a little, feel like I was his again.

But it took him awhile, and by the time he arrived, I had to leave. So we hugged for a little too long, walked a couple blocks, hugged for a little too long again, and parted ways.

I sent him a message saying it was nice seeing him for five minutes and he responded with It was the best five minutes of my day. And again I ask you, is this something that I just get over? Am I wasting my twenties on a hopeless man? Will I continue to do this dance with him until another five years pass and then will I finally wake up? Or will I blame him for wasting more of my time? Because I know damn well he still doesn't have it together and I don't believe he will have it together - maybe ever. I know that not making a choice is still a choice - me not dating him but sometimes seeing him is a choice. It feels like the perfect balance of independence and intimacy that I currently want, but in the long run, this thing that doesn't feel like a choice is actually a choice to not pursue a healthy, new relationship.

Burned

How did it crash and burn so fast?

How have I done it yet again?

It's this slow shifting of thought for me, this frame of mind that went from so excited to instead of seeing him tonight, I changed into my pajamas as soon as I got home from work to watch endless episodes of How I Met Your Mother. I mean, it's a good show, but should it be better than a bright, shiny new relationship?

Nitpicking

He doesn't do voices well. But thinks he can I think.

He is a horrible speller.

He leaves the toilet seat up.

The New Boyfriend is 35 years old and I'm afraid there's no changing him.

I just got an e-mail from The Ex and he himself isn't a good speller, but I don't seem to care with him.

I'm not sure whose team I am on, even though I damn well know it better not be The Ex's. I can't make any promises though.

Here I Go Again

Here I go again doing that thing I do.

The sabotaging thing.

I can't deal with him in my space.

I want all this time to myself.

I don't want to compromise.

I'm busy as hell, why did I think I had time to be a responsible, caring individual capable of a real relationship?

Head first

A month in and I'm looking for a way to sabotage this perfectly nice relationship.

He's just so attentive. I'm suddenly scared to death that at any moment he's going to say I love you and I'm going to cry because it suddenly all feels too soon. It felt fast but logical, now it mostly feels like terror. Mostly I feel like a deer in the headlights.

I thought I was ready for this. But now my inbox has a message from The Ex about how he woke up remembering the way I slept with a smile on my face and I don't think I'm allowed to respond to that. I know he's not right for me. I know this.

I saw his sister today while I was out with The New Boyfriend and I could only hope she didn't see me, I was terrified of having that run in. I was terrified she would report back to him that she saw me with Another Man.

This is adding up to sounding as if maybe, maybe I'm in a little over my head.

Nothing new under the sun

But when will I live in London now?

Was that ever really something I cared about or was it always the idea that my life might take that direction if given the opportunity? And now that I've picked one man, my opportunities have become more finite. That daydream about moving to New York City one of these days, opening a book shop somewhere in New England, traveling to Cape Town and Berlin and Southeast Asia. Those are things I want to do. And suddenly all I feel like is that beginning a relationship now means I will be engaged in a year or less, pregnant soon after, and then I will forget.

I don't want to forget. I don't want to wonder What If later. I want to explore the possibilities. But I feel like I have to make a decision to get married, or stay single and pursue my dreams. I don't want to miss out on having a baby, but at the same time, I don't want to resent my partner or said baby because I didn't do the things I needed to do.

Did The Ex ruin me and my ability to give my trust to someone? It's been a year I keep telling myself. I shouldn't still message him like I did today with a silly link I found. I recognize that he is not a good partner, but after all this time it still feels normal to share things with him, it still feels like he gets my jokes better than anyone. It still feels nice to have him there, to know he exists and sometimes I can see him but he doesn't interfere with the things I do. Is it simply that I have to get used to sharing space and time with someone again?

I'm suddenly doubting this New Relationship. It suddenly feels like too much. I need to take a step back and breathe for a moment. I'm getting caught up in my head and over-analyzing it. What's new?

Extra happiness

This is the first relationship I've ever begun with no expectation of Being Saved.

What a thing to admit.

But all those adolescent dreams. All those Disney princess stories.

I always thought I would get swept up in something bigger than myself and suddenly my life would be different.

My life is different now. It is better with him. But he's merely a complement to all the great things I've already created. I'm happy in my life. And he's just extra happiness.

How strange.

A year in the making

I woke up from a dream where I was somewhere with The [New] Boyfriend and I saw The Ex. The details are hazy but I ended up kissing The Ex in the dream with the full knowledge that I was choosing him over this new man I now call My Boyfriend.

It shouldn't feel like some sort of betrayal to call him that. The Sculptor is My Boyfriend now. It's been days shy of nearly a year since that day The Ex became my ex and maybe it's just something I have to get used to, maybe it's my inability to move on, my need to dwell, but it's a fact: I chose The Sculptor and it's not a mistake, it happened fast with him but it didn't happen fast with me, it's been a year in the making.

In the blink of an eye and the span of a year

It's all happened so fast.

The Doctor sent me a message a few nights ago asking if I would like to get together for a drink. And I just stared at the message, unable to figure out an appropriate response.

And last night it all ceased to matter when The Sculptor said, Would it be alright if I introduced you to my friends as my 'girlfriend'? and I smiled and said Please do.

And just like that, just under a year after my world ended with The Ex, I am in a New Relationship. Two weeks ago we were having coffee and today I am his girlfriend. It all feels bizarre to me. It's hard for me to admit that being anyone but The Ex's feels unreal. Not so much a betrayal as something I wasn't prepared for. I've spent the last five years doing a dance with him, kissing him, being together, fighting, not together, thinking if only we could just get it together we could be so happy, spending a lonely two years trapped in a tiny apartment with him, moving back home after it all fell apart because I couldn't bear to be in that city that was ours. Of all people to know me, it's him, and here I go giving someone else the same title of Boyfriend.

But I too have the capacity to move on.

Stupified

Sorry.

Sorry for sounding like this.

I can't help it.

I'm trite.

I've spent a summer staring at this man who kissed me yesterday and I've gone off the deep end. He dropped me off last night and I couldn't sit with myself, couldn't do anything, found myself lying on my floor, absorbing every detail, unable to form coherent thoughts and only drift into a stupor. A love drunk stupor.

Second date

I can't quite say anything other than it feels natural to have my hand flat against his back, my lips just grazing his neck, breathing him in.

This second date caused quite a stir.

This second date lasted seven hours.

This second date has me wondering if I have any choice, if now I am his. My usual calculated, slow, frustrating dating experiences don't exist in this world with this man. All I feel is exactly where I should.

Out in the open

Of course I did.

I think I failed to mention The Dane has re-entered my life in a work-related way. I've seen him a few times and we've become friendly over the last weeks. So yesterday, when he invited me to do something with him, I didn't think much of it.

Until he drove me home and put the moves on me.

And yes, I could feel it coming. And then I told him, I think I'm seeing someone. Because it suddenly didn't seem fair to allow him to kiss me when I am seeing The Sculptor this afternoon. It's not fair. Especially because I like The Dane enough, but not in the right way, and again, there is no reason to waste time on someone who I don't have that chemical reaction to. That's the only way I can describe it. Chemically reacting.

But suddenly I realized that sleeping with The Dane would be damn good. We never slept together before because I just didn't like him enough to waste emotional energy, but last night it became clear that it could be explosive, intense, wholly satisfying sex.

Love v Marriage

His laugh is different than what I expected.

I arrived and was suddenly struck with the fear that if this coffee did not go well, I had just made my work life somewhat awkward. Why would I do that?

But here is why: two and a half hours later, I got in my car and couldn't stop smiling.

There were silences that we both recognized but we recovered well. And then we walked. Maybe I'm infatuated with the idea of it all, his sculpture and his hands and his blue eyes, and maybe I don't really know a thing about him. Some part of me keeps thinking I need to remember all the details, remember everything I can, because it's important. Maybe it's the part of me that thinks I need to Get It Together, meet a Suitable Man, Get Married and Have Babies, but maybe it's the part of me that Wants To Fall in Love.

Guessing game

Oh. Hmm. The Doctor.

It's anyone's guess.

Childish

It sort of feels like being seven years old and unable to sleep the night before Christmas.

That's what this coffee date is doing to me: turning me into an obsessive, overstimulated, easily excited child.

Walk of shame revisited

This has been quite the week.

I just returned home from another adventure with The Virgin Bartender. Well, not exactly.

He sent me a message this evening saying he had my watch with him at work, and I responded that I would stop by shortly. Shortly came, I stopped in, and he wasn't there. I know the host a little, I know the bar manager a little, I know everyone a little, and everyone stopped to ask me what was up, was I having a drink or? No, I'm waiting for The Virgin (I skipped the pseudonym for the folks who actually know him), I kept repeating to all these well meaning acquaintances.

With nothing better to do, I dug in my purse, opened my latest book, and tried to hide until he arrived. Minutes passed, and finally, mercifully, he was setting my watch next to me and kissing my cheek and then he was behind the bar, fixing cocktails, because it had just become busy. I wanted to nod bye, have some kind of kind gesture at his recovering my watch, but he was busy, and so I left. I walked down the street once again wearing my watch with the knowledge that I had just completed another version of Sunday morning's walk of shame, with many, many more observers.

Will I ever learn?

Sure, that would be great

For the last three days, when my phone buzzed with a text message, I secretly hoped it was The Sculptor coming through with some great excuse as to his absence, even though we all know it doesn't work like that. Would you like to have coffee sometime continued to hang in the text message stratosphere, unanswered.

And of course, today, while engrossed in uploading secret girly playlists to my phone, he sent me a message. Sure, that would be great was all he said.

Did I miss something here?

It's been three days. Three days I have spent assuming, with a flick of the Android, that I created a really awkward dynamic with someone I will occasionally see at work. 

But he said yes! He said he wants to have coffee with me!

Then he said, Sorry it took me so long to respond, I was camping. 

And now it all makes sense. Whew. Dodged a bullet. I suppose I could go into the details, the awkward arrangements - how does one do these sorts of things? After all the dates I've had, I still have no idea. But we're meeting for coffee in a few days for a nice, safe day date, and if it turns out we have nothing to talk about, hopefully we will both be adults about it and pretend it never happened upon our next run in at our mutual workplace.

I want it to be something. But now I'm worried I've mistaken sexual attraction for intellectual compatibility. Can I ever get both? Can I ever not think it to death?

Juggling act

Here I am again with this heavy rotation that I can't keep track of: The Doctor, The Virgin, The Ex, The Sculptor Who Won't Respond, The New Guy From Three Years Ago. Am I forgetting anyone?

My ego is too fragile for all these Maybes, all these What Ifs. I don't like the interchangeable men. I want just one, just one man to contend with, just one person to have in my confidence. I no longer juggle well.

Dalliance

Well, this is just embarrassing. I finally manned up and asked The Sculptor to have coffee. And almost 24 hours later, I have not gotten a response.

This does not bode well.

I would rather him just say No than be silent. Silence leaves too much to the imagination.

And not in response to his non-response, I had a cocktail with a friend, felt a little drunk, and decided to pay The Virgin Bartender a visit. Drunk me is very ambitious. While putting on my shoes this morning I realized I was about to take a walk of shame, something I have not done in, er, years. I am too old for this. I stumbled out of his new apartment and thought I was trapped behind his wrought-iron gate but found my way out, found my way to the sanctity of my car, found my way home, and here I sit, having just reluctantly washed the smell of him off of me.

And I'm not kidding myself. I liked him before, I had to get over him before, and now I can accept this for what it is: Nothing Much At All.

Except. I just realized I left my new watch somewhere in his bedroom.

In the name of marrying well

The Doctor is in Hawaii for a few days and when I sent him a message asking how it was going, he responded in three words that put me off him. The New Guy is pursuing me more than The Doctor, the man I am supposedly having dates with. This sort of indifference is just not my cup of tea, and I have to remind myself that I'm putting up with it simply because he is a doctor.

Call me self important, I dare you.

It will fizzle out soon enough if it continues as is, but since he is a doctor, and since he just moved back to town and I don't want to scare him off, he gets a bit more leeway.

Truth serum: part II

I told the truth to both The Older Man and The New Guy who Shushed Me. And both of them are still interested. The Older Man thanked me for my candor, told me of course he wanted to be friends, but he also thinks I am "very, very beautiful" and that if dinner ever suits me, then he would be interested.

And The New Guy wanted to talk about it. So he called me, then I avoided him for a day, then finally manned up and called him back. And we had a very nice chat. A perfectly reasonable, friendly talk about the latest in our lives and I didn't quite have the heart to mention the shushing, as he was so apologetic over whatever he did to make me feel unwelcome upon visiting. But he's still interested, and while we didn't make any plans to see each other, I do recognize that I did prop open the door a bit between us.

To make a move or not

This crush is crushing me. I haven't felt this way since approximately seventh grade. This paralyzing, crushing desire coupled with the real threat of rejection. I'm not sure my next move.

Sure, I could let it pass, give myself a few days, a week, and I'll return to more rational thought, but where's the thrill in that? I don't want to throw caution to the wind and make a fool of myself, but I do want to throw caution to the wind and find something good.

But honestly, I don't know a thing about this man, despite co-teaching occasionally and interacting from time to time. Despite fervent Google searches, I cannot turn up any dirt. He could be relationshipped. He could be uninterested in me in general. He is soft-spoken around me and I am shy and smiling, upon seeing him two days ago I couldn't think of much to say over the sound of my heart beating so loudly he surely heard it. Can this sort of thing be one-sided? Can I feel so strongly and he feel indifference?

I am a grown woman who found herself last night parsing the few texts we've exchanged - all teaching related - and became exultant after realizing he spelled my name correctly - no one spells my name correctly. I can't help but think I have to do something, because otherwise I will keep building this up in my head when it could be nothing. I have already put him on a pedestal, so now I need to get rejected or get to know him and make an informed choice. But if I get rejected, how do I handle seeing him on occasion at work? Maybe I should wait, but I don't think I can.

The Crush

Did I mention my coworker?

Not my coworker exactly. We both teach art at the same school, at different times and entirely different mediums. So I don't see him too much. But when I do, what can only be described as primal lust arises within me and I spend the rest of my day trying to figure out how to seduce him.

I can't just ask him out because if he rebuffs me, even though I rarely see him, I will be mortified for far too long. I'm hoping fate intervenes and I conveniently run into him somewhere in this small town. So now, I wait?

Truth serum

I decided to tell the truth.

And I think it backfired.

I went on a truth telling rampage, telling The Older Man I didn't think "we are on the same page" because I don't think I can realistically date a sober vegan. Call it a shortcoming of mine. I call it being honest at the outset for once, before anyone's feelings get hurt.

Then I told the man from Chicago, the one who moved South right before I did, the one who I began seeing again early this year before he 'Shushed' me and I assumed he didn't like me much, but then he continued to invite me down to see him. I told him the truth and now he wants to talk about it.

Nostalgia

But whenever The Ex goes away I miss him.

Dream love

The Doctor is officially in my subconscious. I can't quite recall the details but he was in my dreams again and I woke up feeling warm and happy and in love.

Please don't tell him that.

I am not in love with him.

Dream version of me just might be though.

Slowly

I've been kind of indifferent to this slow beginning with The Doctor, I casually met him for a drink last night and we talked about innocuous things but then he walked me to my car and kissed me just a little.

And I got into my car and smiled like an idiot the whole way home.

And woke up this morning to dreams of him and now he's stuck in my subconscious again and we won't see each other until late next week because our lives are so busy, we can't fit it all in. Slow is good then? I worry it's indifference but it doesn't feel so indifferent to me right now.

The love curve

The Ex is in Chicago as a gift from his father for a week and I am angry that he always manages to get his way through coercing other people to finance his life. Angry actually doesn't do this feeling justice. Duped as always is maybe a better descriptor. He will not grow up, he will not become stable, he will not stop telling long-winded, far-fetched tales and no matter how much I love falling asleep next to him and pulling him in closer to me when I wake up, he is not suitable.

These are a lot of feelings. Especially since we've been broken up for nearly a year.

I think I have to fall in love with Someone New to really shake The Ex. I think falling in love with a new person will help me to realize that there are decent men out there who do not simply sponge off of you and make you think it is love when maybe it is love - but not fair love. The outlook on that front is kind of bleak though, as The Doctor and I seem to be stuck in the weekly drinks realm with neither of us pushing for more in the midst of our packed schedules. It should all just be easier. I'm beginning to think I'm just not that into The Doctor. What a shame.

Rose colored glasses

This is all getting confusing, as I knew it would.

The Ex is managing to work his way back into my life and it's comfortable but I know it isn't right. And I know I can control this, I can limit contact, and I simply have to do it.

But suddenly I feel so much compassion for this man who I'm pretty sure thinks leaving me last year was the worst decision he ever made, while I think it was the necessary push to get me back to reality. The reality that I was letting him take everything from me because I was so in love with him that I couldn't see clearly.

Now I see clearly.

So what am I doing?

The dream of someone else

I purposefully let a bobby pin at The Doctor's. I could call it an accident but let's get real. I left his house wondering if we could go anywhere, if we're slowly beginning something or if we're just killing time. I'm over killing time, but I'm also highly aware that kind of overt attitude probably won't do me any dating favors. So for now, I play it cool. And wait.

I got home from The Doctor's to find a message from The Ex that was just a heart and it makes mine break a little because it's true, it really is: I'm still in love with him. I thought I could see the bigger picture and I don't really want to be in a relationship with him right now as he stands, but he sent that message and all I wanted was to fall asleep pressed against him.

I'm officially digging myself into a hole and I'm not excited at the drama of it as I would have been a few years ago. I'm dating The Doctor because he is stable and trustworthy and polite and all the things I want in a man, and I will choose him down the road if it comes down to it because I know this. I can't be with The Ex. I am in love with The Ex still but I know in time, if I let myself, I can be in love with Someone Else.

Forward motion

It's heartbreakingly romantic I suppose.

The Ex called me and said he doesn't want me to fully close the door on us. That he knows it can't be right now. He knows we both have work to do separately.

This feels like more backward motion. Me thinking that we might work out in the future makes it impossible to move forward in the present. I gave him too much and now it's his, and I'm not waiting for him but I'm also back to frequent talks with him. He is still closer to me than anyone I know. He still understands me in ways that others don't. It's been almost a year. I keep reminding myself.

I don't have to remind myself to live this life any longer, I haven't for some time. But now it's coming on a year since he left Chicago and then I left Chicago to see him and then I left Chicago for good after he left me. I know I dwell on things that hurt but I still can't figure this out.

Does it all go in cycles? Will I not really move on until Someone Else Comes Along who gets me as much as he did? I worry it's all cyclical, it's all meaningless, that we're all interchangeable - will I get swept up in Someone Else and finally forget enough to officially move on?

The end of the yellow brick road

My tolerance for perceived indifference is very, very low.

And I was kind of getting over The Doctor. But since he's a doctor, I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and all. It's annoying. But true.

And then today he came through and I have renewed interest. He wants to see me before he takes his boards on Wednesday and suddenly this Means Something To Me. My schedule is nuts but I'm squeezing in time and he is squeezing in time and suddenly I'm taking it to heart.

I can't quite figure it out, how I was before. I guess I was just more invested, and now I'm trying very hard to stay indifferent, because I'm not interested in Pursuing Something That Leads to Nothing.

Caught Up

I think I'm coming around to rational thought.

But maybe it's just because I haven't gotten swept up in some romance, I have several men in my life but none who have had an impact on me. Maybe I've changed. I'm just kind of indifferent. Three years ago I really liked The Doctor, and this time around I'm trying so hard to be nonchalant since he just moved back to town that I can't get to know him, I can't wonder what he is doing. I think we could be a good fit but I'm not sure I would get swept up.

Since I seem to exclusively get caught up with alcoholics though, maybe this is a good thing?

Why can't I just get caught up with The Doctor? Or someone reliable? Someone not a bartender?

Run In

And hello there running into The Raging Alcoholic on the street and him all smiles and telling me to call him. He is starting art school. He just finished illustrating a children's book that is currently being published. Is he getting his act together?

Will I call?

The Good Life

He's kind of immature, The Doctor.

I keep getting caught up in the fact that he is a doctor. I have plenty going for me aside from an exceptionally lucrative career, which he does have going for him. And it's easy to fall into that, to feel secure in that, to want to have a life and raise children in that kind of stable life.

But I don't want to date someone just because he is an ideal of what I think I want, I want to really want to date him. I don't want to wake up in twenty years married to a man who is still a little immature for me, who I married for stability, two point five beautiful children and a colonial to show for it. Is that so bad? Is that what I want?

Naughty/knotty

The Older Man keeps asking me to send him pictures of my hair. Today he requested a topknot picture.

What does this mean?

I feel creeped out.

Is this normal?

What does it mean?

Small town vulnerability

I was running late to meet The Doctor for Drinks Round III when I ran into The Virgin Bartender. Seriously?

Of course.

He was wearing all black and finishing a cigarette outside the place he formerly bartended. I barely noticed him and could have walked past if I weren't so damn aware. But I saw him and said Hi how are you and he said Hi how are you?

And I said, "I'm good, over the damn summer, I'm so hot."

And he said, "Yes, you are."

And why? Why would he say that? And then kissed me on the cheek goodbye, and while I left not feeling regret, I did leave remembering that connection I had with him, that rarity. But a moment passed and then I walked down the sidewalk away from him mostly remembering the fact that he has seen me naked.

And then I got to The Doctor and I wasn't sure if maybe I shouldn't have just stayed home, that maybe he's just too boring for me. He's wholesome but still gets me in some ways, which I should appreciate. I still can't stop letting The Ex be The Most Important Man In My Life, even though I recognize I can't be with him. Because he annoys me.

But I don't want to be vulnerable to someone new, even someone only kind of new. It feels safe to send The Ex pictures of weird things and stay in touch with him, because it's nothing new, it's the status quo. My mother is going into surgery in the morning, I am getting up at dawn to pick her up and take her to the hospital, I have taken off work, and yet I made sure not to mention a word of this to The Doctor. I'm just not ready for that vulnerability, that sharing of secrets that eventually he will get in the end. I can't risk that again, I can only go slow. Very slow.

So slow that he didn't kiss me goodnight. Maybe I'm more obvious than I thought.

Chemical reactions

And then yesterday happened.

It's official: The Ex and I cannot be left alone together. We met for a late luunch yesterday which ended with us in a dark corner kissing like we were having an affair. It all feels like an affair with him anymore, clandestine meetings and not telling my friends and dating legitimate people but still sneaking around with him. Doing all the things I should and squeezing in this bizarre affair as well. We used to live together, there isn't any mystery left after five years, but because we know it's bad, that we can't make it work, it makes it that much more exciting.

But his personality drives me nuts.

But then the kissing starts and it's all over. My better judgment, my sense of awareness - all gone and suddenly it's just a chemical reaction.

I no longer thrive off of this. I mean, I guess I do, the sensational kissing, but I can't juggle all these men. Last night I was out to dinner with a girl friend and fielding messages from The Ex, The Raging Alcoholic, The Older Man, and The Doctor all at once. It's too much, I'm too old for this, I do not want this kind of life. It's exhausting.

Prolific

I forgot this happened: The Raging Alcoholic. I've become obsessed with this author this summer and thought he would love her. I sat reading a short story by her a few days ago, stopped mid sentence and thought, He would love this. So I sent him a message saying so.

And then he made it flirty. I'm pretty sure it was him who insinuated it all. I don't think it was me. I have too many men to juggle as it is without adding him back in.

I told him she wrote her most prolific work at the age of twenty three, and his unimpressed "Hmmm" in response caused me to say, "At twenty three, I got involved with you and moved to Chicago, I sure as hell didn't write a prolific novel." And he said, "Well something prolific happened." And I responded, "Oh yes, of course, you," and he said, "Well I guess it wasn't Chicago." Wait, was it me doing the insinuating?

However. I promptly forgot about it (how unlike me), until today when he asked me how I was. And I am just fine, thankyouverymuch.

Dating for dummies

I saw The Older Man and I left feeling intrigued despite the obvious quandaries. He doesn't drink, he is vegan, he is in several bands and almost twenty years older than me. He was honest. It made me become more honest, and I left feeling giddy and it had nothing to do with drinks because we didn't drink. It was a weird feeling, just honest giddiness in my car driving home mulling over it all.

I do wonder if our lifestyles will stop it before it starts. I do worry I crave flattery and confuse it with sexual attraction. Sometimes I can't tell whether it's sexual attraction I feel or the novelty of being singled out by someone.

All cards on the table

So The Older Man is also a Recovering Alcoholic. Six years sober.

My immediate reaction was What else do you do on a first date besides get drinks? Which then made me reassess my idea of dating, my idea of getting to know someone, how I spend my time within social relationships. But also, that's a lot of baggage to bring to the table, so aren't I justified just a little?

I mean. I don't even know him. So this feels like a lot.

How convenient

How convenient.

I went to a show and the first person I saw happens to be good friends with The Ex, and I like this guy, I do, but I spent my night trying to be really neutral, just in case.

And then I met someone. He could be no one. But he kept looking at me and I kept noticing and finally I said something to him and he is interested. He is very interested. He is also eighteen years my senior. This is uncharted territory for me. Could I be interested in a man who graduated high school the same year I was born?

Time is up

It feels too soon to be having these kinds of problems. I don't want to call it anything with The Doctor, because that feels damn presumptuous, but I also can't keep having these clandestine meetings with The Ex. I need forward motion, progress, and spending time with The Ex is me living in a reality that does not exist. I can't juggle two men in this way, I could casually date a million guys but I can't line up The Ex and The Doctor against each other. It's not fair.

But then last night I didn't have anything good to say but I wanted to know The Ex was there and so I sent him a message that just said, "You," and he sent me a message that said, "You (it's who I think about all the time)." And now I'm re-defining the boundaries between us, the most recent rekindling of something that shouldn't be rekindled.

The Doctor asked me about him. And I handled it tragically. I was caught off guard and I botched pretending like it was all fine between us, that we're still good friends and all the things you're supposed to say about someone you used to love. The trouble is, I think it's obvious I still love him. Even though I know he isn't right. It's not easy to gloss over, it still feels too big to pare down to a tidy ending, when it was screaming and sobbing and the end of the life I had in Chicago and the beginning of a begrudging life back in Smalltown. But it's nearing a year. It's time to be packed into a neat package, it's time I was able to talk about it.

Shades of gray

We moved from the gray area of are we or aren't we interested to the gray area of are we or aren't we simply friends with benefits?

I left his house late last night simply because I had to be up early this morning, but also because I couldn't read him. Suddenly the pressure was on for me to stay or leave, and instead of pretending maybe we were something we are not, I left. However I got home and was happy to be so, I was happy to be in my bed on my time and not wondering what he was thinking, if I was overstaying my welcome.

I keep thinking he is a little boring but then I also can't stop thinking of him.

Time suck

I told The Ex I could waste no more time.

Then we talked it to death for over an hour. And I don't know. We just can't do it. We are opening up things that were long ago over and I can't bear to feel that kind of pain again. I can't bear it. I can't put myself in that vulnerable position and just hope for the best, hope that this nothing doesn't add up to me getting crushed. Again.

It's such a tantalizing feeling - being wanted and remembering how it felt to wake up next to him and being in love - but I'm not in love with him anymore despite how much I love him in a general sense. I told him that I can't keep doing this to myself, I'm not old but I'm not getting younger, I want a stable life, not one filled with big ideas and lofty goals, but one with an equal partnership and moving forward.

It feels like another slow tear in my still very compromised heart.

Rational thought

Oh wait a minute, so this is the difference.

I'm trying to "rationalize" my insane thoughts by reminding myself that if he wasn't a doctor I would not be so impressed. All day its been a constant replay of every inconsequential thing I said last night, everything I should have said instead, all the ways I misread the situation and took it for something it never was.

I'm being dramatic. I know.

But that's the difference. I can't rationalize it. It's the chemistry. It's what I could never talk myself into with Mr. R despite him being mostly perfect for me - the chemistry. I barely know The Doctor any longer but I'm having to talk myself off the ledge this morning because there is something about him I can't quite put my finger on.

I'm not going to shake him so easily. It might go nowhere but surely this won't be the end of my thinking it to death.

Night of reckoning

Here is the time of reckoning: I got home before 11 after a casual round of drinks with The Doctor and I'm left wondering how it really went.

I have no idea.

I was overdressed.

We made plans to see each other again later next week.

I got home at 10:30 on a Friday night.

I don't know what to make of it.

I forced my hair into coercion. That couldn't have been the problem.

I was a lunatic all day pondering the possibilities. I think we're both at the point in our lives where all our friends are getting married and settling down. Suddenly any encounter with a man feels loaded, any time I spend getting to know someone needs to feel like an investment to me. Suddenly I'm that woman. I've gone from the slutty version of myself to the self-aware-that-lends-itself-to-desperation version of myself?

I don't want to give him too much. We haven't seen each other in years and I'm reassessing it all. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I don't want to put myself out there to Someone New or in this case, Someone Who I Really Liked Before if it's not going anywhere. It just all becomes too much, I have a hard time seeing the bigger picture, I focus on the details that add up to me driving myself absolutely nuts with What If.

And here we are again.

Mountains out of molehills

Stop counting your eggs, Heartless.

Beginning of the end of something

Now I get why I only date bartenders.

Because it's easy. I don't have to have my shit together because they certainly don't.

I'm having a drink with The Doctor on Friday. I knew this would happen but suddenly I'm scared shitless. To be crude. He is a doctor. And I've been flailing for far too long. I'm working it out, I know I'm aware and making progress and doing things to better myself, but I just don't feel like a "good catch" right now. I'm no longer looking for meaningless sex and have moved on to looking for Something Meaningful. And I want to bring something to the table, to be self-sufficient and content with my life. I don't need a man to make me happy, but I eventually want a partner that will add to my happiness, and three years ago the only reason it didn't work with The Doctor was because it couldn't - we met mere months before he moved to the west coast and I moved to the midwest.

And now we're back in the same city indefinitely and it might just be a drink on Friday, but it might be some new chapter of something and it scares me, because if he has his shit together and I have my shit together, then it might just work.

Another one bites the dust

I just got over it.

The man I met a few weeks ago who I gave my number to - that one - I got over it. We kept missing each other, then when I made it clear I was available, he noncommittally said he might be free. And then I was over it. Enough with the indifferent men! No more getting involved with people who are only kinda interested, who I am only kinda interested in. I'm too old for this. I'm not looking for Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet but I am asking for a hint of chivalry.

I told him No hard feelings but no thanks.

Miscalculated

I saw The Ex just yesterday, making it the third time in a week, making it the countless time I've seen him in mere weeks despite my supposed indifference. Despite his toothbrush currently residing in my bathroom.

I sent him a silly e-mail today, a link to something he would laugh at. Then hours later, upon forgetting about the e-mail, a quick text.

He never responded to either.

And what do I expect? Something different from this hopeless, self-absorbed, unreliable man?

Now I'm just playing a fool. That toothbrush was not a calculated move on his part, it's just part of the bigger picture with him, it speaks to his inability to live on solid ground.

Somehow this happened

I came home from work, took off my jewelry, washed my face, and was horrified to find this.

His & hers toothbrushes.

This has gone too far.

Kissing Doesn't Kill: Greed and Indifference Do

I just got home from a jazz/drinks thing with Mr. R. I thought it would be okay. And okay, it was. We met and talked and got along and traded stories and didn't touch and I thought it would be okay, this shift from us being Something to Nothing More Than Friends.

Until he walked me to my car (first red flag), hugged me twice (I stayed far from his lips), and left. I got into my car, started the engine and breathed a sigh of relief, looked in my rearview mirror before reversing and there he was, walking back, and then I was rolling down my window and without a word he was kissing me.

And then he was gone again.

And while I applaud his boldness, while I am quite impressed with his technique, truth be told, I'm just not that into him.

And I suddenly fear he thinks I am his Dream Girl.

I'm not! Trust me, I'm not!

And now I'm home with a voicemail on my phone from the guy from last week who I still haven't seen and thinking how empty my house feels without The Ex here with me, even though I don't want him but at night in my big empty house I feel lonely and my thoughts wander to him. I don't like this pattern, this kissing three men in a span of just over a week. I don't like it. I am a grown woman. I am not the girl I was when I started this blog, and I know kissing doesn't kill but dammit I can't keep them in order if I'm kissing this many.

Fork in the road

I'm very conflicted. The Ex wants to have a sexy rendezvous and I'm just sort of...over it. But this is good news, right? The sex with The Ex has confirmed all the broken parts and my good new life and now I want no part of it. This sex has been the best closure I could ever ask for.

And I still haven't seen this new guy who all my online stalking proves to seem better and better. But some men are great on Google searches and not so great in real life. So hopefully, dear friends, this week will solve the mystery of this new man and if he is worth getting to know outside of kissing on the street after midnight.

And The Doctor is back in the picture as of next week. He's reminded me of the day he'll be back in town at least four times in the last couple months and I can't tell if he's just forgetful or if he really wants me to remember. I'm going to flatter myself and lean towards the latter.

Week from hell and the lessons learned

Of course.

Monday became a family nightmare and in the midst of it The Man Who I Wanted To Call did.

And The Ex has not been on my mind. I'm supposed to see him in a few days but I just don't need him anymore. I've been having a terrible week filled with things out of my control and it didn't occur to me to turn to him.

He's there. But it's not the same.

Waiting

I can't tell if it's my need to relinquish bad habits or if maybe I actually like this man who I gave my number to and then kissed goodnight.

I'm 24 hours in and compulsively checking my phone to see if he called.

Three little words

I don't need him anymore.

That's the shift. And he sure as hell knows it.

I just don't think I can go back there. I don't want to deal with his big ideas and his long winded stories and his inability to be responsible for his actions. I don't want an unreliable partner, let me say it one more time.

But he said I love you and there is no stopping me now.

Someone Else

I woke up slowly this morning next to The Ex, pressed against him, listening to him breathe against me.

I ended my night kissing Someone Else.

I thought it was nothing but it's obviously something, what The Ex and I are doing, since some part of me felt excited and some part of me felt like I was betraying him.

An affair to remember

I don't have his real name saved in my phone. I got a new phone after our End and couldn't bear to see his name in my phone and so I gave him a nickname, a small thing I used to call him.

But now it feels even more clandestine. I can't tell my friends, I can't have his name on my phone. Every time someone asks me what I've been up to recently all I can think to say is, Having incredible sex with the man who ruined my life. It's shameful. I can't tell anyone.

I'm having some sort of affair with my ex-boyfriend. The man I lived with a thousand miles from here is now back in my bed, and we're having a great time pretending like we didn't have real problems back in that Windy City, he told me I love you and I said Why can't we make ourselves happy so that we can be happy together?

We're not getting back together (partly due to self respect) but we're something. We're dancing around something.

The right thing

This all coming from the woman who now will leave her cocoon of a bed and Sex and the City and run to him just so she can feel his lips on hers, have him kiss that spot on her neck that is his, fall asleep pressed against him even though she knows it isn't right and never will be.

The time has come

This closure thing. I like it.

He is not the right man for me.

I have enough distance to see that finally.

The life we had was not the life I wanted.

I have enough distance to see that finally.

The life I want is the life I have created for myself here in Smalltown. My overscheduled, busy, fun life is here.

It's time for me to stop refusing reality. This is it. I am happy here. All the people I love most in the world are here. Yes, he is still here. Yes, I still love him. Yes, it still hurts like hell to think about all those days nights years together in Chicago.

But I think it's time that I move on. It's time.

Love in a hopeless place

I'm hiding it from all my friends. I can't tell anyone that the man I allowed to run me out of Chicago is now frequenting my bed back in Smalltown.

Again.

It's just too shameful. I have my independence and my time now but still he gets to me. I have a million friends, a million hobbies, I have an overscheduled life but still he has found a way back in. Not in any official capacity but in a way that reminds me that sometimes it just feels different. It feels so different that I will hide it from my friends, play coy, pretend like I am okay when truth be told he was in my bed mere days ago, this man who made me a woman who leaves her life to escape the pain of losing him.

And now it's suddenly (yes, rather suddenly) been five years of us doing this dance.

I love him. I love him not.

The jealousy curve

So maybe this whole falling back into bed with The Ex wasn't the best idea.

Maybe I'm suddenly jealous over things that are none of my business.

I've really liked not feeling jealous.

The good fight

Another morning waking up pressed against him.

Another morning he kissed my neck in the place that is his.

Maybe I'm speaking too soon but what I thought would give him closure is in fact giving me closure. From this distance I can finally see the kind of person he is. I've spent the last months bettering myself and working through things and I know what kind of partner I want, whenever I choose to have a partner. I can envision the life I want and the people I want in it and it's true, I've never loved anyone the way I love him. It's true, we connect in a way in which I cannot put into words.

But he isn't the man I envision for my life.

It's hard to say that. I love him more than anything. But he leads an unstable, gypsy existence. I don't much like his friends. He is long winded and preachy. He exaggerates for effect and I begin to diminish while in his presence; there is only so much space for two big personalities.

Before I saw him he kept saying he wanted us to "be okay" and as of right this moment, I feel okay. It's always been complicated with us but somehow this week has created a new awareness in me. Not that it's not hard. All those moments, weeks, years living together in Chicago laughing at the same things, walking all over the city, holding his hand while the snow first fell our first winter, all of them add up and my heart breaks over it again because now I know, I know that we didn't stand a chance. I fought so hard.

Unsure of the possibilities

Call me an idiot.

But Pandora's Box has been opened, and now I'm considering all possibilities. Still being in love with him after all this time, doesn't that mean something? You get married to someone you'll love even when you hate him because you know it all Means More, and all I can think is is this true in our case? But then I remember how we were.

I've barely seen him Since Chicago and now all those Chicago memories I've fought so hard against are popping back up. All the small things we did together, all the ways we struggled, all the ugly fights we had and all the mornings I woke pressed against him.

I told him he took Chicago from me. I told him he was the only man I ever fully trusted. I told him I no longer trust. He told me he didn't realize he took it from me, that he didn't think about it like that. He told me he just knew that eventually we would rip each other apart. He told me he loved me but he wasn't sure we could be together.

Hasn't this always been our problem? How can you be in love with someone but unsure that you should be with him?

Big love

I'm sitting here tonight in my bed all alone and I knew this would happen, I knew I would feel this emptiness.

I woke up next to him this morning. I woke up pressed against him.

And now it's all those memories, all back at the surface, nothing important but everything that made our life: the Amish butter we would buy from the market down the street, the walks we took in any kind of weather, walking with him to go swimming every Thursday afternoon last summer. It's all there again and I know I am happier, I know I like my life better now, and I don't really see us getting back together. I can't figure it out.

I'm still in love with him. I miss my old life. But I do not miss the kind of relationship we had. The kind of partner I want is not the kind of partner he was. And he seems the same. More self aware. Trying. But he is the same. And I know that I do not want an unreliable partner.

But I'm so deeply in love with him still and now just confused. I love him. I love him. It's been this long and still I love him. Shouldn't it mean something, this Incredible Love?

One last hurrah

In a world overwhelmed with technology, with the virtual lives of everyone you never wanted to know, it has been a laborious task to avoid The Ex's whereabouts.

I don't get updates. I don't see his name in chats. I don't want to be tempted to scope out the virtual inner workings of the man I am no longer allowed to love.

But he might have beaten me into submission. He said he wasn't trying to get back together, but he still loves me. And suddenly all the things inside me say No but all the things inside me say Yes and suddenly I'm more conflicted than I have been in some time. It's no lie that I love him, I'm not pretending to be okay and moved on, but I've been handling it. I've been managing it.

I don't want to see him. Of course I want to see him.

I don't want to get back together. But I miss the way he would kiss my neck, the places we frequented, how we were so in tune that we didn't need to talk. I can move on. I can find someone else. But it's going to take time. It's going to be rare. And I guess it feels easier to fall back into love but not a relationship. Can I be in love with him but not in a relationship with him?

I've been stalking his online presence for the second time since he left me that day, I've been re-reading messages we sent each other before we dated. I've been doing this in an effort to hate him. In a last hurrah to not want to see him. I've been trying to remind myself the reasons I can't be with him. I remember why I can't be with him. But it hasn't had any effect on that whole love part.

He can't be my best friend anymore. He can't be The Person I Love Most. But it just feels so easy to call him that.

The path to enlightenment is filled with stumbling blocks

So I basically declared I am on the Path To Enlightenment and I am A Changed Woman and all that jazz.

But I might be falling into a purely physical relationship with Sexy HR Guy.

Oh, you stop your finger wagging.

Time to grow a pair

I never listen to Ted Talks. It's an unpopular stance but I just don't like them.

But I was sent one a few days ago and listened to it and it resonated with me. It's called Why 30 Is Not The New 20 and it put a lot of things into perspective for me. I started this blog as sort of a joke, as a way to laugh about it all, but I've changed a great deal since its beginning, and especially over the last eight months. 

Dr. Meg Jay delivered the talk and said, "Our 20s are the defining decade of adulthood. 80% of life's most defining moments take place by about age 35. 2/3 of lifetime wage growth happens during the first ten years of a career. More than half of Americans are married or are dating or living with their future partner by age 30. Personality can change more during our 20s than at any other decade in life. Female fertility peaks at 28. The brain caps off its last major growth spurt. When it comes to adult development, 30 is not the new 20.  Even if you do nothing, not making choices is a choice all the same. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do." 

Dr. Jay also said, 'The best time to work on your marriage is before you are married." Aha! That's it. Better myself now, so that in the future, in whatever relationship I choose, marriage or not, I will bring the best version of myself to the table.

I'm not trying to sound preachy. But I'm 26 and I've been living like my 20s don't count relationship-wise. I've ventured out and tried new things and am finding a career, have some direction, know that I can succeed, but I need to change how I view men. I am, I have been, and this talk has given me confirmation of its necessity. It's not a game. It's time to make intentional decisions, to make informed choices and stop crying over things that don't work out when I never thought they would.

The New Normal

I'm not constantly thinking about him. That has subsided. But any mention of him, any thought of him, it all still feels so tender, so breakable. I'm living without him but I'm so broken, I'm so scared of dating that I'm now spending all my time on craft projects and exercise and that's what I'm supposed to do, right? I'm filling my time with satisfying, healthy activities, but it just feels like its taking forever to feel better.

Since that day I have reminded myself that I've gotten over every other ex, that I could care less about all the other exes now, that eventually he will be lumped in with The Rest, but now I'm not so sure. I know I'm making good decisions and living the kind of life I want, but I'm just not sure that I am at all the same now. I am a better version of myself, a braver version, a more aware one.

But I can't imagine falling in love with someone else because I'm still in love with him. All this time. I know it's not right. I like my life a whole lot more than I did before. But it doesn't change the fact that after all this time and all this personal growth, I fear I'm still in love with him.

Why do fools fall in love

I want to stop having dreams about The Ex and wake up feeling some new sense of betrayal.

Fight or flight

He said he wants to fight for me. Mr. R, that is. I thought we were all done with this?

All the wrong men

The moment I say I am willingly not dating anyone right now and happy with it of course, of course, I spend my day brooding and acting like the world owes me a favor. Why can't I sit with myself for one damn minute, just sit and not stew, not wonder, not check my phone to make sure it's still working because why hasn't anyone called?

I need to learn to sit with myself.

I can't do what I used to do, chase Men Who Are Wrong just for the fun of it, get involved with Men Who Are Wrong for the thrill of it, get crushed by Men Who Are Wrong. I can't keep going in these circles, keep acting like the world has wronged me when I am the one who keeps making poor choices. But two days of sitting with myself and I might lose my mind. I compulsively check my phone to make sure the damn thing is working, let my mind wander and come back and realize my life is the same, I'm not getting swept up but I'm also making positive changes every second that I'm not chasing Men Who Are Wrong.

Time for a comeback

I officially have no Back Up Plan. I ended things with Mr. R, he finally got it, I refuse to see The Ex even though I feel like he could beat me into submission with just a little more effort, so please, no one tell him, I will not initiate contact with The Raging Alcoholic any longer because of the obvious reasons and also because he's kind of flaky, Sexy HR Guy never followed up, and that might just be it.

It's a little weird, but it feels like progress to willingly sit here with myself, to willingly extricate myself from it all, not that I'm not open to it, I just need to stop being open to The Wrong Men. I need to pay attention to red flags. I still want to get swept up in it all, but I can't keep choosing The Wrong Men. It takes too long to come back.

The unbearable Windy City

The Ex sent me a message that said I miss you.

And before that I know it may seem odd but wanna go for a walk? Maybe lunch? No tacos. 

And before that I'm going back to Chicago soon and I was really hoping that we could see each other sometime, would you think about it?

I really haven't responded. I feel like I'm being emotionally bullied by him. Last time I saw him I went off the deep end for weeks. I can't derail myself in that way again, I can't provide him with closure before he returns to the city I could no longer bear once he left me.

Mad at the world

I don't know why I let it get to me like this. Why I'm so mad at myself, mad at the world, worried that I will never, ever trust a man, not really. I spent the last couple of nights with the same group of friends, including this one guy who I sort of know, have sort of known for years, and last night I could feel his interest in me, his pointed questions, his buying me a drink and brushing his hand against my arm.

But I left. This is a small town, I vaguely know some of his exes, I didn't want to go there.

But then of course I thought about him, only because I told myself not to.

And then tonight the same group of friends got together, and a new woman was introduced to me, a new woman who happens to be his girlfriend. Maybe I take it all too seriously. Maybe this is what people do. I'm not mistaken, I didn't read too much into it, he was interested in me last night and no, he didn't outwardly do anything to cross a line, to cheat on his now-existent girlfriend, but was too interested in my stories to mention her and it's just another man stacked on the deck of All the Reasons I Cannot Trust Enough to Fall in Love.

Bros before hoes

I was tentatively planning to see The Raging Alcoholic Bartender as per my decision to pursue only the best ideas, but I had a thing, and when I was done with my thing, he said he was with The Ex.

And maybe I told him But I want to see you. And he said I want to see you.

And suddenly I can't stop thinking that I got cockblocked by The Ex, to put it in the crudest manner. So I told The Raging Alcoholic Bartender Let me know when you're free. Maybe I'm giving him too much, letting him know that I'm interested, when I know I shouldn't be. I really shouldn't be. And this could go nowhere, now that the ball is in his court, ever since that whole thing where I dated him and The Ex and apparently they're still hanging out and again, to put it crudely, all I can think is Bros before hoes. So it could go nowhere. Aside from the obvious - he is an alcoholic and I shouldn't pursue this because I'm setting myself up to fail and I dated him and The Ex and they are friends and this is a very small town - besides those very small things, I can't shake him. Everything is suddenly him again, and I know I need to stop, to busy myself, that this, too, shall pass if I just give it some time, but right now all I can think is him.

And I saw The Virgin Bartender last night and it was fine, I was fine, definitely aware, but fine. We exchanged pleasantries and then did our separate things while at a jazz performance, me talking to friends and him hitting on every single woman. That's his M.O., and I'm glad he told it to me straight all those months ago. 

The heart wants what the heart wants

The Raging Alcoholic Bartender messaged me yesterday and I know better, I do, but I can't shake him, that feeling of falling in love with him all those years ago, the sitting on my floor arguing about an artist's merits, the breathing him in and smiling like a fool. We hesitantly discussed seeing each other, but it never seems to happen, so I'm not holding my breath. I shouldn't see him. I shouldn't. I know better than this.

And The Ex is officially pestering me about seeing him, about catching up or something, and I just can't make him understand that It's not gonna happen. But because of his insistence on hanging out like old times, now I'm reassessing why I can't just let it go and see him and have things be fine. It's too soon for me, I can't do it, I can't handle it yet, is there something wrong with me? He's fine? I always felt like his ex-wife was a ghost in our relationship, was always there, and so I told him, I hope you're happy you fucked someone else up as much as you always said your ex-wife did to you. I still can't let him know me, all the things I am doing right now, my life right now, I feel some sort of power with him not knowing, I can't sort it all out, I just know that right now it's what I need. I want to sort it out, to have a singular descriptor for how I feel, but I don't.

And Mr. R has got to go. I am over it. I thought he was getting the slow fade until he mentioned me going with him to his sister's wedding...in November. Crushing someone can be so ugly.

Coffee date

He made the decision and I am fine and happy but still feel like a schmuck and unable to trust human beings and I just need many, many, many years before he can engage me in small talk.

I need him to stop engaging me in small talk, stop pushing for a friendly coffee catch up, stop sending me pictures of things that remind him of me.

He left me. He broke me. Why am I the only one who remembers? I never let things go when we were together, I suppose I never will now that we're not. Apparently I should be more moved on by now, according to his coffee standards (and can I remind you that he doesn't even like coffee? That's all me.). It makes it worse somehow, his capacity to move us from in love to having coffee.

Slow fade

I think he's finally taking my hint.

I've been making him do all the work for over a week now, now that I've kind of gotten over it all, now that I've maybe thrown Sexy HR Guy into the mix (did I mention that?), now that I have stopped initiating contact on a daily basis and left it up to him. Now that I have stopped making plans like we normally would.

I haven't talked to him today. I'm fine with this, I can't tell him directly that I can't do this, that it's all too much for me right this second, because he would say he is content with what we are and then I would have to essentially crush him because it's too much. I'm not ready.

Small problem: I already promised to be his date to a wedding tomorrow.

Re-thinking my options

The Doctor sent me a message yesterday, not entirely out of the blue, but it made me stop long enough to think. To re-think. How many times can I change my mind? How can I pin my future on one of two possibilities? How can I still think a man can change my life?

Well, a man did change my life. The Ex changed everything so profoundly that it's been this long and I'm still reeling.

But The Doctor. I have plans. I want to travel, and experience, and do things, and I fear getting caught up in the What If of The Doctor. We had such a fleeting amount of time before, all those years ago before he left for the west coast and I left for the midwest and now here we are, about to both be back where we began. I'm not all that sure it could really work, but I know that I felt differently about him, I know that we had something there but knew that we couldn't do a damn thing due to circumstances.

And who's to say he even wants something serious? He'll be just back in town, starting over, and I'm a total basket case. Who's to say I want something serious? Well. With him, I think I would. All those years ago I wasn't satisfied with casually dating him, and I doubt I would be now.

I don't want to fall in love again. There are too many ways to lose myself.

Shaken

I can't shake the feeling of wanting to be in love.

And I can't shake the feeling of how it felt to fall in love with The Raging Alcoholic Bartender.

Walking the line

I dipped my toe in.

I sent The Raging Alcoholic a message and he responded but not in a way that said Come and get it. It's the best possible thing, not seeing him, not getting hung up on a three years ago situation, but I am. I'm suddenly remembering that feeling of falling in love and that was all we had together, but the truth is, aside from the obvious alcoholism, he is friends with The Ex, there was always drama there, how I went from one to the other, and now I'm trying to again?

I'm getting stir crazy. I wonder if the next logical step is to initiate contact with Sexy HR Guy. It feels like the next logical step.

All the broken men

It goes something like this inside my head:

I am too scared to actually be in a relationship, to take that next step with Mr. R, but being with him reminds me of the wonderful giddiness of being chosen by someone, of falling into love, but obviously I can't love him, so then I think about The Last Man I Loved, The Ex, but my feelings for him right now are too complicated, I really can't make heads or tails of it, of him, and then that leads me to thinking about The Man I Loved Before Chicago: The Raging Alcoholic Bartender. And for a while now, I've been having a hard time not sending him a message, something along the lines of Hi but in reality, I just want to remember what it felt like to fall into love and feel like things would be okay.

I haven't talked to him since he sent me a message in the wee hours of morning saying he mistakenly texted me earlier. And sorry. And love you. Another thing I can't make heads or tails of.

Things really do not need to be so tortured, I need to stop holding torches for tortured, broken men, I need to get my act together, in all respects I, in fact, do have my life together. Except for the magnetic pull I have to all the broken men.

Learning to regulate my emotions

I can't help but feel like I sound like a broken record.

I feel apathetic towards The Ex.

I am unsure about Mr. R.

I can't get over Chicago. I was spring cleaning and found my old keys and practically had a meltdown over my old mailbox key.

I keep wanting to stir the pot a little, but then feel exhausted at the idea of it all. I like my simple life, my regulated emotions, my not losing my mind wondering about a boy. I keep thinking I should maintain the status quo, keep it simple, don't get too attached, live how I want to without worrying about Someone Else.

I can't imagine getting too attached to Mr. R. But I think he is pretty attached, that I could hurt him. I like my orderly life, my things just so, making my own schedule and thinking only of myself. No compromise. I gave too much of myself to The Ex, and I get it, I can't keep blaming him for everything, but I gave him too much, I gave up too much of myself for the good of The Relationship, and I sure as hell am not doing that again.

I am going slowly. I am learning from my mistakes.

Broken promises

I planned to see him last night, but then the day caught up to me and I was exhausted. I could have simply invited him over to watch a movie, do something low key, but I didn't want to. I don't want him in my space. I want to keep him at arm's length and out of my space, because I know that I'll turn on him.

He is being endlessly patient with me but is that really what I need?

This next part

It's been a lot of slow shifting this past week, and I haven't had a moment to write it down, so now it feels like a sudden change has occurred within me, when in reality, it's been slow slow slowly evolving.

Sexy HR Guy has proven to thus far be simply a catalyst. I haven't called him. I'm still mulling it all over. Whether it's even worth it. Whether I'm just wasting my time.

I don't want to meet someone. I don't want to drop my plans because I fall stupidly in love and then suddenly all I think is us. That's what I did with The Ex, and while I don't want to give him too much power, it is an important realization I've come to that I'm really, really scared. I don't want to meet someone, because quite frankly, I don't want to give up my plans, give up my time, give up my life to someone who can leave me. I get it, I get it, I shouldn't let him get to me in this way, that this is just another part of it all, until I come to peaceful acceptance, peaceful seeing him on the street and not plotting murder and/or tears, peaceful knowledge that my life is better. My life is better. I know this. And maybe that's why I'm doubly scared as hell to let someone else into my life. Things are good. I like where I'm headed. I like the things I do, the ways I spend my time, my friends and all the small details, and I don't want to lose myself in someone again.

That's been the beauty of dating Mr. R. There has been no worry about losing myself in him. How could I? He is wonderful and reliable and clever and has hidden talents, but there isn't a spark. It sounds like bullshit, it does, it sounds straight out of a Disney movie, but it's easy to not get swept up because there is no way we could get swept up. Unless he is swept up? Fuck.

What I'm getting to, what I'm saying, is that Sexy HR Guy popping back into the picture made me think a little harder about Mr. R, about what we're really doing, about how it's been nice not to call it a thing but suddenly I suppose it wouldn't be a stretch to start referring to him as my boyfriend and as soon as I thought that I couldn't run away from it all fast enough.

Then I began thinking about The Virgin Bartender. About how I left him that night because he said he didn't want anything serious and of course I hadn't thought of anything serious either, until he said it and I suddenly realized that serious was all I wanted with him. I still can't make sense of it. I still can't figure out why passing his work, seeing his car on the street, running into him randomly, it's how it goes in a small town, but I can't shake him.

It's too soon. It's been six months but it's too soon. And then that lead to me thinking how did I let The Ex do this to me? And maybe it's self preservation, maybe it's wanting to get done what I really want. And then I thought, what do I really want? I want to travel. I want to not be tethered here in this place, I want to be free to do as I please, not give things too much weight because I leave when it's perfect (ahem Raging Alcoholic Bartender), I want to go it alone and prove to myself that I can do it.

Thanks, Sexy HR Guy, maybe we'll have a date, maybe we won't, but thank you for getting me to this next part.

Taking action

When it rains, it pours.

Last night The Raging Alcoholic Bartender, the one I fell in love with over three years ago before setting out for Chicago, that one, he said he loved me.

And Sexy HR Guy popped into my work today, and suddenly it was a little awkward between us, suddenly I didn't know what to do with my arms, suddenly I was so pleased I chose a pretty dress for work. He told me to call him this time, offered a lame excuse about losing my number.

And tonight I saw Mr. R again, I saw him and my friends, we are all friendly these days.

I think having a drink with Sexy HR Guy would be a kind of betrayal, but why am even I so interested in it? Do I just want to stir the pot? Am I messing something good up? Do I want to sabotage it all, every time?

It doesn't come naturally between Mr. R and me, it's a little forced, the chemistry. Sometimes I worry about why he won't make eye contact with me, but then he comes through with moments of generosity, of things I never expected.

With the men I couldn't shake, I still can't shake, though, it was never something tangible. It was always something I couldn't quite put my finger on, some reaction I had to him that was unexplainable, and kids, let's be honest: I don't get that with Mr. R. He is all the things. Except. Except I preferred to quietly come home tonight and blog and have my space instead of spending the night with him. Maybe actions speak louder than words, actions speak louder than me writing it to death.

What's good for me

It's different with him, Mr. R, versus, let's say, oh, The Virgin Bartender, who still frequents the halls inside my head, despite not seeing him on the street of late.

I say that chemistry doesn't mean anything in the long run, but it sure as hell seems to mean something in terms of getting a man who I stopped seeing two months ago out of my head. I know all the reasons he is wrong for me, and I now spend my time with Mr. R, who I can talk to and runs with the same artsy crowd as me and is realistic and loves coffee and asks me to dinner as well as about my day. He is what I want. He is what I need.

So why can't I stop thinking about someone else?

I left my heart in Chicago

It's been six months.

Today.

I didn't even realize it until talking with a friend and suddenly It's been six months since that day, that park; that day that everything changed.

I am better. I don't want to know who he is dating, what he's doing, the nuances of his life, but I'm okay. And I'm horrified how okay I am, how going-about-my-life I am, how I'm getting things done and don't cry anymore and haven't for some time and feel hopeful and excited for things to come. It shouldn't be so easy to forcibly change your life the way I have.

I'm moving on and all I can think is that it's not right, I need to be weeping over this, I need to give it the respect it deserves, because for a long time, this man was my life. How do I live my life without this person I considered my life?

The shift

Yesterday happened and suddenly it's all tenderness. I'm still unsure of what happened exactly, but it was a small shift, it was all very subtle, but I woke up in the middle of the night to a thunderstorm and watched it from my window, captivated, and could only think I wish he was here.

Close call

I'm starting to pick it apart.

I'm starting to doubt it.

We've seen each other every Monday for the last six weeks, and I'm still unsure, I still don't know how I feel, I still can't decide if maybe we're just wasting time together. My indifference worries me: I worry my indifference is turning to dislike, to fearing him knowing me too well, to him being in my house and in my space and me suddenly losing it, wanting him out of my life because it all just feels too personal.

Blindsided

I shouldn't have said it but I did. The part where I told him I'm back to reading the things I wrote while we were together and now all I think is that life and the reason I can't see you is because I'm still blindsided.

When do I stop missing Chicago, stop missing the life we had, the walks we took, the job I hated, the corner markets we frequented? I don't want to go back to lonely Chicago, I guess it's still ugly pride, it's still the blindsided factor, the leaving not on my own terms.

Let it go. Please, let it go.

I was mistaken

The Ex wants to have coffee. Or catch up. Or both.

And I couldn't articulate the things I felt. I couldn't tell him the truth. I couldn't say, It's been six months and I'm better but I still love you and while I do a damn good job hiding it, busying myself so that I don't think it, if I had just a moment to breath I would be crushed with how it's been six months and I still love you.

It shouldn't be easy to forget. It's okay. Right?

Will he get lumped in with the rest? Eventually he will be Just Another Man I Loved, when shouldn't it mean a little more? I lived with a man in college, before I knew The Ex, and now I could care less about him, this man who I spent countless hours with, who I talked marriage with. I have an unsettling fear that nothing really matters, that it's all fleeting, that no one stays with you.

I want to still love him, I think. Not loving him any longer feels like negating the love entirely, feels like it never happened, feels like I can move on. I'm supposed to move on, I get it. Trust me, I get it. But I want to preserve it, I want to feel it, I want it to mean something, I don't want it to be swept under the rug as another ugly mistake. Because at the time, it felt like everything. Everything can't turn into Another Huge Mistake.

I've gotta quit making mistakes.

You got what I need

I'm dating someone reliable and sensible. But. There isn't a spark. A spark doesn't matter in the long run. Or does it? Might I regret it? Heaven forbid I do something I regret.

I'll admit it, now that I'm seeing The Virgin Bartender everywhere, I'm looking for him everywhere. I hate that he got to me. I hate that I have a spark, I sparked with an unreliable, indifferent man. I hate that being with a reliable, interesting, communicative, honest, thoughtful man doesn't stop me from trolling past this other man's bar, stopping by, seeing him out and ignoring him but also secretly checking my phone in case he sent me a message.

He hasn't sent me a message during any of our many run ins. I need to just get used to seeing him around, seeing him on my turf, seeing him on his turf, accepting this small town, and maybe accepting that I want what I can't have, that it's nothing, that he's nothing, that I stormed out of his house half dressed on Valentine's night for a reason: he's not what I need.

See and be seen

I'm not sure when he walked in, but he was there. I first noticed when he walked past me while I was seated a little too close to The Man I Am Dating. Still haven't given him a name. Mr. Reliable. Mr. Returns My Calls.

I had dinner then saw a movie with Mr. R last night, then we went out for a drink. We were sitting at the bar and I was getting sleepy, getting over it, when I saw someone cutting a figure very similar to The Virgin Bartender. I quietly lost my mind, continued listening to Mr. R. I kept tabs on him and found him sitting across the bar with a perfect view of me.

I couldn't look at him.

Could only know that he was there, that maybe he saw me, he had to see me this time, that I should do nothing but have a good time. And have a good time, I did. I was suddenly full of laughs, full of animated stories, full of a good time.

I'm countless dates in with Mr. R and I still wanted to make The Virgin Bartender jealous, still wanted him to want me, to see what he was missing out on, still wanting him to text me I see you.

He has real problems with intimacy, is emotionally cripple, is immature. I hate to say it, but he got to me. I can have dates with Mr. R all day and know that he can hold up his end of the conversation and is reliable and dependable and kind and all the things I want in a partner, but the chemistry just isn't the same. In a few months, if things continue as they are, it won't matter, because he is the kind of partner I want in the end. But that initial spark isn't the same, and I know that.

I can't say I feel it's a sacrifice.

Doctor On the Brain

It was The Doctor's birthday, The Doctor from three years ago, The Doctor who is moving back in July, The Doctor who is apartment hunting here in May. The Doctor who I had a dream about a few days ago, who I told about it, another stone left unturned and another what if.

He's been on my brain since I dreamed of him, since I dreamed he saved me from a bridge malfunction, and now I'm listening to Wilco, the band that is his, thinking about him for no reason at all.

Ulterior Motives

I spent a perfectly respectable evening out with friends. Until I ended up at The Virgin Bartender's place of work and played it cool, but who are we kidding here?

He was nice and friendly and all those words, and I acted bored and indifferent, but when I left, he didn't text, didn't try to get me to stay, and what I knew all along has been confirmed.

I guess I just wanted to be wanted. To feel like I could change his mind with my mere presence after no contact for a month. It's all so egotistical, it's all so in my own head, it all doesn't matter. Just another small detail that adds up to filing him away, to not go there, to have no expectations and to stay away from there a little longer, to establish new boundaries, to not feel veiled rejection upon leaving.

I am not that person any longer. I am not broken over an unreliable man's indifference.

Proximity

I keep saying that it's not him I miss.

It turns out, it's the intimacy between us, the subtle details, the way I would kiss his shoulder, how he knew just the right spot to kiss on my neck, how physical closeness stopped  being a calculated thought and in time became a given.

Words With Exes

Just because he challenged me in Words With Friends doesn't mean I should accept, does it?

The Ex and I are now not speaking all that much and instead playing Words With Friends against each other, just like last summer when he got me hooked on it and we would sit in different rooms, playing against each other on our separate devices.

It's those tiny details that I forget, then I remember, then I can't shake.

The girl is back in town

He was driving, and the conversation turned to something, turned to something else, and I said, "It wasn't my plan to leave Chicago, to be back here."

We got back to his house. We were talking about something else, turned something else, and suddenly he said, "I'm glad you're back."

No take backs

I mean.

It's been final.

It's been final for nearly half a year.

I haven't been entertaining ideas of re-kindling our romance, our screaming matches, our ripping each other to shreds. But suddenly it all feels so final.

It's always a slow evolution, how we become the latest version of ourselves, and here we are, slowly evolved into not knowing each other, into knowing each other because of course we know each other, but not knowing. I'm not allowed to know him in that way any more. In turn, he can't know me in that way. I can't give him the details but all I want is to give him the details.

I still feel powerful to withhold things from him. He has no idea. It's all in my head. I drive a car he has never seen, work at a job he has no idea about, spend my time with all my best friends and feel more myself now than I ever did when he knew me.

We had a perfectly civil conversation via g-chat this evening with no thinly veiled references to our former sex life or being in love. We're evolving into vague friends.

And I will evolve, I will accept this.

But for now: it breaks my heart. All over again. We are no longer in love. But for me, I still feel like I am.

Close encounters

Being so near this new man makes me feel more lonely in some ways. I fear I am growing to care for him, to feel real feelings, and all this does is remind me of all those nights pressed against The Ex.

Suddenly, this moving on has me flashing back to our shared bed in our shared apartment in that city, all that time spent together, all that time sharing parts of myself that he got in the split, all the stories and nuances and details, I gave them to him and now they are his.

Something about being close to someone again is dredging it all back up, is making it all feel too fresh, is making me re-hash it all, is making me close to tears over Things In the Past.

I will move on. I will not always be broken.